Response to a response to a response…

Erin posted this missive last week:

Aug. 11th, 2006 12:43 pm Flying the not-so-friendly skies
O.K., whether or not the threat was legitimate yesterday, it raises good questions. Obviously there are many ways that people can manipulate substances onboard an aircraft. And personally, I enjoy waiting in line about as much as I enjoyed that dentist appointment the other day. So here's the Ed Schultz plan, which I totally support, along with a few of my own modifications:

How about no carry ons except for wallets and books? I know it sucks waiting for luggage, but it also sucks going through gate security. You can wait a little bit longer for your clothes and toiletries in order to make America safer.

Don't let any substances onboard, unless it's medically necessary. There can be a "long line" for people who need to have medicine checked. But the rest of us, seriously, do we really need lotion and makeup? Are we that vain? The one thing is airlines will have to serve more water. I think that change is marginal enough that we can all adjust. And I can even take my Xanax or Klonopin before I get in line.

I'm inclined to just say fuck all electronics too. I have trouble imagining a flight without a laptop, or cell phone to call when I land. However, since I'm going to have to check my luggage anyway now, I guess there is no rush to make that phone call. And I would check the laptop too in order make America safer. I don't have an Ipod, but I imagine we could live without those onboard too. Come on now.

The only things we REALLY need onboard, aside from medically necessary items, are books and newspapers. We all know how shitty the movies are on planes, and how otherwise lame the entertainment selection is. And books, to my knowledge, cannot be made into bombs.

So go through the damn security check with your book, and wallet in your pocket - and that's it! This will actually make our lives easier, and mitigate the potentially devastating effects this fiasco could have on the airline industry.

I'm bi-coastal, I can't afford not to fly. But I don't see why I should have to wait for 5 hours, and see my prices increase tenfold, when it would be far more efficient to just cut out carry on items altogether. America, we can make these small sacrifices to save the airlines and most importantly, save ourselves.

In the meantime, we need to worry about cargo security. How diligently do they examine the bags we check? I say get rid of the carry on lines, and use those resources to make sure nothing volatile is on the check on luggage. That's my 2 cents.

I'm open to debate, discussion, etc.

P.S. I also love Ed Schultz's "Naked Travel" idea.

Since I just did a crapload of traveling right after the thwarted terrorist attack in the UK, I have a few things to say about the heightened security at the airport.

For the record, last week I traveled from Newark to Belfast (in the UK, folks), Belfast to Prague, Prague to Belfast, and Belfast back to Newark. That will give you some idea of the security measures I endured.

While I travel light (for a 10-day vacation, I traveled with nothing but a 24” gym bag) so I can carry-on whatever I’ve packed, I really despise all those people who can’t live through a flight without all five pieces of their oversize luggage in the overhead bins. (These are usually the same people who can’t wait the two minutes it takes the plane to taxi to the gate after landing to turn on their cell phone and tell whoever will listen that they landed). Yet despite this, I strongly disagree with the “one book, wallet, and prescription medication” idea.

For example, I will tell you the story of the bodrhan. The bodrhan is a traditional Irish drum. On our last full day in Belfast, Anthony’s mom requested that we pick one up for her. Now, if your mom is sick with cancer and requests something as simple as that, what would you do? That’s right, we woke up at the buttcrack of dawn to drive into town and track down a music store. We paid about $100-$150 for this 18” bodrhan and got the padded carrying case to go with it. We were told that the 18” drum was more sonorous than the 16” so we couldn’t possibly gift an inferior product, could we?

Sunday arrived and we all jammed our souvenirs into our bags as best we could and went to the airport. My mom carried the bodrhan into the airport and got selected for a random security check before reaching the ticketing counter. The security officers there told her that she would be able to carry the instrument on the plane.

We checked in for our flight and all our bags disappeared up the conveyor belt. Since we arrived at the airport a little later than we should have (I believe we were the last ticketed passengers to check-in), we went immediately to the terminal and joined the security queue. The officers outside the security queue told us we would be able to bring the bodrhan on the plane. Then the security officers in the middle of the security queue told us we would be able to bring the bodrhan on the plane.

In fact, Anthony got as far as dropping the bodrhan off at the x-ray conveyor belt and was told by the security officers there that he could take it on the plane.

BUT. Yes, there is a “but” to this story. But the security supervisor honed in on the drum and immediately turned into a flaming witch. She said no. Anthony said he had already made it through security. She didn’t care. She dragged one of those wooden “if your bag fits in this container, you may carry it on the plane” boxes over to the x-ray machine and made Anthony attempt to shove the bodrhan in there. The box is 17 ½” at its widest point. Clearly, the drum wouldn’t fit. It could slide down into the space about halfway, but no further.

The supervisor actually dragged Anthony out of line and back to the ticketing desks. She wanted him to check the drum into oversize luggage. Mind you, all our bags had already been checked so there was nothing we could do to pad the drum further.

The oversize baggage agents almost wouldn’t let Anthony check the bag because he didn’t have a separate tag for the bodrhan (you know, the sticker they wrap around your luggage handle that has all your flight information on it). Anthony asked supervisor lady if she could extend some professional courtesy towards him because he’s in the foreign service. She asked him if he was trying to bribe her. Anthony played the good little diplomat and didn’t strangle the ever-lovin’ life out of her.

Really, it was a beautiful moment.

Eventually Anthony was able to check the bodrhan. And he had to go all the way back through security because the supervisor with a stick lodged in her colon wouldn’t express him back through the security queue.

Meanwhile, I’m at the gate and everyone has already boarded the plane. I’m looking back through the terminal for a glimpse of Anthony and the airline staff is announcing the final boarding call. The ghetto fabulous in me is about to take over and unleash its fury on the airline staff collecting tickets. In fact, I’m just starting my rant about what a piece of dung their airport staff is when Anthony flies around the corner into the terminal at a breakneck speed. He had magically made it through security and sprinted all the way through the airport while they were announcing the final boarding call. It was a (pardon the language here, folks) FUCKING MIRACLE.

Needless to say, we deplaned in Newark to a broken bodrhan. Despite all the “fragile” and “handle with care” stickers the airline staff stuck all over the bag, the luggage handlers chose to throw heavy baggage on it anyway. The really fabulous ending to this story is that the airline staff told us it was our fault for not packing the drum more carefully. We should have, and I quote, “known that the luggage handlers would throw baggage on the drum.” (I won’t even entertain you with the details of me throwing a hissy fit right there in the Newark airport, at the baggage claim desk behind baggage claim area 6.)

All this to say that there was no sane reason we should have been denied carrying on the bodrhan. Honestly, there is no way the airlines and security staff can ever 100% guarantee your safety on the plane. Today it’s hair gels and chapstick, but tomorrow it’s going to lead to a full body cavity search for explosives that are hidden the way drug mules hide cocaine and transport it over the border with Mexico. (As an aside, do you know that it is possible to make a shank out of a motherboard, disguise it as a false CD ROM drive of a laptop computer, and the computer will still turn on and function at the security desk? And laptops are still allowed on planes.) All we are doing is masking the real issue here and harassing good, well-meaning travelers.

Instead we should be focusing on other modes of security that aren’t as focused on harassing customers and mustering up fear. It takes all of five minutes to run a basic background check on an individual and determine their criminal past. The airlines currently have a system in place that differentiates passengers associated with a particular airline’s frequent flyer program and those who are not, thereby enabling the security officers to conduct random security checks on those who haven’t signed up with that program. Just modify that system to differentiate a passenger with a criminal record and then the security officers can perform heightened security measures on them.

I am sure this is not the only alternate solution, and I know that it isn’t fool-proof, but NO ONE SOLUTION IS FOOL-PROOF. Thinking that restricting carry-ons to just a book and a wallet will save us all is ridiculous. As a former police officer (kind of), I know that you can disguise many a weapon as a book, or even a cast, and potentially even something as innocuous as a wallet. There is no limit to the creativity of the criminal mind.

So let’s begin to think outside of the box here and stop harassing the many to save us from the few. The airport shouldn’t feel like you’ve entered a totalitarian regime.

More importantly, when I buy a souvenir at a dying woman’s request, I don’t want to be told that it is 1/2” too large to be admitted on the plane.