So here I am again, without even being prompted by one of you lovely readers for some proof of my existence! I am getting so good at this (but now that I’ve jinxed it…)

Well, I’m finishing up yet another week in the wonderful world of spies and intrigue. And what did I do this week, you ask? Let me tell you. There is nothing more exciting than standing around in subzero temperatures, on some army base, in the middle of the woods, with no bathroom, while two guys who go hunting all too frequently (one of their license plates reads “WEBDFT”) stand around and drink coffee. Oh yeah, and they occasionally send us into this metal shack, four at a time, to go “clear” it of all those bad, BAD paper targets. Then they stop us and tell us that we are doing everything wrong, we correct it, and, well, that’s wrong too. So really, it’s been a good time.

On the upside, the bodily odors of my male classmates have yet to kill me (even when stuck in a cramped van together), I didn’t get frostbite, and I think everyone passed.

The terrible news is that tomorrow I get to be sprayed with OC Spray. You know, I could think of nothing that I would rather do than stand outside in a blizzard (apparently we are scheduled for quite a snow storm tomorrow – IF the meteorologists are correct) and be hosed down with a substance I know is going to make my eyes burn, and my saliva and nose run. Oh how pretty I will be! Mmmmm…can’t wait.

No matter. Last weekend was a little bit o’ fun for me. Starr and Vincent came down to play with me on Friday after work, and my friend Jeff was in town – so we went to the Lebanese Taverna, which, if you ever get the chance, is a fabulous establishment. We left the cripple, i.e. Vincent and his broken toe, in the caring hands of our hostess (who ended up buying him a glass of wine) and went off in search of something to do for the 40 minute table wait. Somehow Starr disappeared (I’m telling you – we need a helmet and a kiddie leash for her!) and Ben and I ended up in front of the skating rink, watching the Zamboni.

Eventually, we all met back up in the Lebanese Taverna. The funniest thing was listening to Starr explain the specifics of freebasing and crack-smoking to our dear friend, Jeff - neither of whom have ever actually tried either of these drugs (thankfully). It was practically a meeting of the minds…

Last Saturday, Vince and I took my little sister, Preyasha, to the movies. I want you all to know that I was allowed to drive, and I did a fabulous job of NOT stalling!!! I love being one of those “cool chicks” that drive stick…

Anywho, Preyasha had the choice between a bunch of hobbits and Leonardo DiCaprio, so we obviously ended up watching “Catch Me If You Can.” I was impressed by the movie, although there is one small aspect of it that drove me crazy (if you’ve seen it, it was the constant “How did you do it? How did you pass the Louisianna bar?” I found the answer to be obvious, and thought Tom Hanks’ character overly pushed the point). However, you will find two wonderful performances by both Hanks and DiCaprio. (For those of you who saw it, “Knock, knock…” is now my favorite joke!)

Sunday was pretty quiet until Vincent and Starr left. Then I met up with Ben, Eric and Estee (who was also in town for a short while) so we could go bowling at the most expensive bowling alley I’ve ever seen. Even the Corona’s cost five bucks! Geez!

However, I did learn how to bowl using the holes in the bowling ball. Thank you Eric! Thank you Benny! And then I only sucked half of the time.

So that’s been my past week or so. I bet you’re really glad you tuned in…

You can thank my mother for these next “few” words! She reminded me that, once again, I have somehow managed to fall off the face of the planet for a whole month at a time. What’s funny is that she began to worry that she hadn’t seen anything new on my Blogspot for so long. When was it that my primary mode of communication with loved ones became my Blog???

Well enough. I suppose that you are all wondering what my schedule is, and better yet, where I am. So here you are: anything you want can still reach me at the old Philadelphia address as Vince has not yet moved, and I am visiting him every other week at least. Otherwise, you can email me for my Arlington address, or call me on the cell phone number that you already have. I will contact you in the future when both Vincent and I move.

In the meantime, I have completed more training to turn me into the super agent woman of whom I know you all dream (in varying states of dress ). Thus far it has been firearms, computer skills, presentation skills (i.e. writing and giving speeches), and now defensive tactics (which can basically be summed up as Ryan’s “kicking ass” class). Most of it leaves me drained at the end of the day, but not half as drained as the holidays this year.

I spent Christmas with Vincent’s family in the Philadelphia area, and then New Year’s with a bunch of friends in Margate, NJ. It was a wonderful time, all of it, but also very hectic at best. Let’s just say that I completely earned the three bottles of champagne I drank to ring in the new year!

Since I am not much in the mood for verbosity (oooh, big words!), I will just narrow down my field of conversation to the past week or so.

Starting with…this past weekend! I got to ride in full luxury on the Acela train from DC to Philadelphia, all in the name of my good friend David Stango (www.davidstango.com). Last October, he and our friend Jess got married, and I missed the wedding so I could spend a “lovely” (said with all due sarcasm) time in Brunswick Georgia. Since I missed the wedding, Vince and I invited ourselves over for dinner at their new house, which I had never seen, so I could go over their wedding photos.

As you would imagine, their house is beautiful. David and Jess have put a lot of time and effort into their new home and it shows. Of course, Vince and I continue to joke about all the things they’ve gotten for free. “There’s just something about David that makes you want to give him free stuff,” we say. And so we gave him my desktop computer as a small gift for their new house (to compliment the handmade wooden cabinets a friend made them for the kitchen, the electrical wiring done by family and friends, the plumbing done by family, etc., etc.).

Moving right along…the Christmas decorations came down on Saturday, and Ryan was sad to see the holidays leave her Philly home, but happy to throw away yet more stuff. Someday I will get Vincent’s stuff down to ONE medium-sized room – only the most important stuff will remain. In the meantime, I just whittle away, piece by piece…

That night we went to the Tin Angel to see David Stango play. He was the opener for the opener for THE MAN. Yet somehow I think he managed to have a louder following than any of the following acts. I think it’s because I had a few drinks and screamed about my undying passionate love for him quite a bit, but it could also be because he never travels with a throng of groupies (a.k.a. friends and family) smaller in number than 25 .

During the next set, by a beautiful woman named Julia Othmer (www.juliaothmer.com), I nearly got into a bar fight with one of her friends (I think). This girl was standing in the bar next to us and told us to shut up. It was rude, and we were in the BAR for chrissakes! So I continued to talk with my friends whenever the mood hit.

Well, at the end of Julia’s set, I went to the bathroom and this girl walks over to our table and screams at my friend, Shivani! Can you believe the nerve?!! So I find out and begin to walk back to the table to give her a verbal smack across the face, and the girl takes off and leaves. Boy was I irate!!! I was so pumped up to give a well-deserved tongue-lashing (and to utilize my “ass kicking” skills if necessary).

Lucky for me, I ended up talking to the beautiful and talented Julia Othmer immediately afterward and forgot all my cares and worries – I think it may have been the champagne. Vince and I met a few musicians, prominent amongst them a jack-of-all-trades named Hoagy, an off-the-wall character named Ian, and a fine gentleman named Fred, who was kind enough to give me the names of a few good places to go for music in the DC area. So when you all come out to visit, I will take you out for a drink and a good night’s entertainment (no Andrew, NOT that kind. Put your one-dollar bills away…).

Sunday was a bit more relaxing, with movie-watching and me going through the boxes I transplanted to Vince’s house right after college. So many things to throw away – but I did find my three-foot Garfield that’s been stuck in my old microwave for two years!

And now it’s back to the grind. I have been summarily having my tush kicked all over the dojo since we returned to another round of training. Thankfully, it isn’t all about receiving around here, and I’ve been doling out the pain too. However, my supply of FLETC-strength (i.e. 600mg) Motrin is running low and I still have a journey to go.

But that’s where my story ends, at the precipice of a new beginning, with a touch of hope in my heart, a Motrin in one hand, and a wine glass full of Martinelli’s sparkling cider in the other…

May your day be just as full,
Ryan

Okay, so I still haven’t caught on to this whole continuous communication idea. I was supposed to write to you while I was in Georgia, and here I am in Washington D.C. So as you can guess, I am now a proud FLETC graduate. What excitement! What thrilling news! Whatever.

The worst thing about graduating from FLETC is leaving behind all these new friends I made. A little more than half our class came from different agencies, so the likelihood of seeing any of them is much more slight than seeing my Diplomatic Security class. Especially since they have to train with me in the DC area for the next four months or so. Furthermore, they all have to return to New York City in November for the U.N. General Assembly. Good times had by all, I swear.

In any case, my Papa Smurf left me on 7 December – Papa Smurf being Dennis, our class president, elder and mentor. That was the saddest thing for me for one reason or another. I really enjoyed getting to know him and I am sorry to have let him leave. He sped out of the FLETC gates no more than ten minutes after graduation….

Well, there’s no use crying about it now (although there wasn’t a dry eye in the house last Saturday for graduation). I am in Washington D.C. – actually, Arlington – and loving it! In fact, I live in a mall. How cool is that??

Technically, I don’t live IN the mall, but I do live in Pentagon Row, which is right next to the Pentagon City Mall. The apartment is quite nice, and if you’re really pleasant to me when you ask, I may even give you my address. So beg, dammit!

Well, whatever. I just finished arranging my apartment just so (I moved in yesterday), and now I have to get to sleep as I will be up again sometime around 4:45AM. Just so I can go play with firearms…yay.

I hope that makes you all dream those happy little dreams of safe, safe, SAFE boys and girls…

Good night, my darlings,
Ryan

P.S. The holidays are here! I finished my Christmas shopping and now have a mound of presents to wrap! What fun….oh, and if you have the time, go by our house in Philly and check out our decorations…

I know I’ve neglected you and I’m sorry. I have been trying to forget that I am here, at FLETC, still. Of course, I did get to break away this past weekend for some down-home lovin’ and some gobble-gobble, as my friend Jeff would say!

To say the least, it has been a trying time here in Glynco. Last week my body decided to call it quits and I got some nasty version of the flu, just in time for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, my fever broke the day before flying out to Massachusetts to spend the holiday with my family and my Vincent. However, I was still plagued with minor body aches, overall exhaustion, and, most notably for an eating holiday, a sore throat. It was a very unhappy Ryan that greeted all her family, and watched as they thoroughly enjoyed their turkey dinners, swallowing without care and with great ease. Ryan was a very sullen girl by the end of the evening.

Yet it was nice to see everyone. We decided that Vincent is really a closet gay since he got along so well with my Auntie Thomas, and my Auntie Thomas decided that I am Jinx, the Halle Berry character in that new James Bond movie, Die Another Day. Which ended up being rather amusing when you consider the fact that I spent the holiday weekend watching the Bond-a-thon on TNN. I even had some time left over for the last half of Erin Brokovitch, and a wonderful run of Pretty Woman. Yay for Sean Connery and Julia Roberts!

I also got to see my Christy, and her little Sarol. Sarol is getting huge now – speaking and walking even! Last time I saw Sarol, she was a wee babe screaming in my arms (as all small children seem to want to do whenever I am near). Now she is coming on two years of age and is getting to be quite the little Parker child! Of course, she still looks like Matt…

So Vincent took Christy and I out to see Solaris, that new George Clooney movie. Apparently the big draw for the flick is that you get to see Clooney’s tush. I must say that the movie is worth going to see for more than just a full moon. Soderburgh’s movies are always beautifully shot and composed. I had a little bit of trouble with the ending, but I don’t feel that my time was wasted in the theatre. You would have to see it to really understand what I am trying to say. I guess today is not my day for explaining this. Maybe I will try again tomorrow. (But, looking at my track record for writing, the odds are against this.)

And that was my Thanksgiving really. I spent all of Sunday in various airports, just trying to get back to FLETC. The one big bonus is that base is more of a non-smoking environment. As much as I love my mom, I also love to breathe easier knowing that nicotine is not coating my esophagus and lungs at the moment. MMmmmmm…breathing.

Anywho. Today was our first day back and I find that people are still as bitter as they were before we left in regards to actually being at FLETC. I would have thought that four days away would have cured some of those ills, but apparently only a permanent vacation could do anything of the sort. However, everyone must buckle down now no matter what. Most of our practical exams, written tests, and so forth are in the next few days. It’s a really top-heavy week for us. Today was our search warrant P.E. and that about rounds out the P.E.s that we have to write up in our case file. So our case file is due in a day or two. That means lots of fun with paperwork.

In the next few days we have our Legal III exam, our physical exam, our Suppression and Grand Jury Hearings…and so forth and so on. I don’t really remember anymore. All I know is that we need to pass and get on with our lives. This place sucks the life right out of you…

Well, it is high time for me to go to bed. I don’t have much to say today mostly because of the exhaustion that sets in after one day of waking up at 5AM…I will try to be more verbose tomorrow.

4.5 days and counting….

This was originally intended to be posted around 6:30 this morning, but I couldn't log onto the web - what a surprise. So now I'm home and I'm going to post:

I only have a few minutes before I have to walk over to the PT building for my first wonderful PT class of the week! Yay…

But seriously now. I would love to tell you all the wild and wonderful things I’ve done since last I spoke!...

Okay, so now that I’m done…

Okay, so what really happened since last Friday is that we have one less student, and two new students. First and foremost in our minds and our hearts is that our dear Radi was not allowed to continue in the CITP program here at FLETC. He missed passing our last legal test by one question, and even though we disputed several of the questions, the legal division wouldn’t budge and Radi was sent packing, immediately. By 6AM the next day, which was Friday, he was driving his car out the main FLETC gate. As a class, we were quite depressed by this event, especially because we know it could just as easily be any one of us who is asked to depart. We have had a pretty terrible time when it comes to the quality and continuity of instruction down here. Some of the instructors don’t even follow the lesson plans set out for the course and have given us faulty information. Of course, this doesn’t make things any easier for a man whose first language isn’t even remotely English. [sigh]

So anyway, that was point number one. Point number two is that we now have two additions to our class because they were not able to finish and graduate with their respective CITP classes – one due to knee surgery, and the other due to some messy divorce proceedings. The funny thing is that one of them, Jeff, has the same birthday as me.

So last night we celebrated my, and Jeff’s, birth at the G-Bar, our most favorite place to drown our sorrows. A few people made it out, but not many staid for long because we have this test coming up on Friday that everyone is worried about (as per usual). Jeff and I were about the last ones there (the only other person was Jason, and that is only because I told him he was walking me home) – and it was only 9PM. It was almost depressing: me, Jeff, and a half-eaten birthday cake surrounded by empty beer bottles.

That’s been about the most excitement we’ve had in recent days. As I mentioned earlier, we have a test on Friday, and then there’s only our legal three test to worry about. That and all the remaining practical exams (PEs) – our search warrant, our undercover operation, and then our grand jury and suppression hearings. That only leaves our PEB, and then we’re out of here! I can’t wait!

Anyway, that’s my story. I have to go to PT now. It’s been lovely…

Only 18 and counting…

Hey guys! So it’s another beautiful and difficult day down here in lovely Glynco, Georgia! I have just finished typing up an affidavit, which is an application for a search warrant, for my continuous case investigation. More fun than a barrel of monkeys, I swear.

If only you too could have the pleasure…

In any case, there is not much happening on the FLETC front today. I just had a four-hour execution of a search warrant lecture, which, let me tell you, is not as thoroughly exciting as it sounds. Lunch was followed by a high risk vehicle stop lecture, and we ended our day with some simulation of interviewing training course thingy. I would explain it to you all, but it’s a big government secret and you’re not all cleared for this kind of data. No seriously, I would have to kill you. And I’m not a terribly good shot. So the process would be slow and fairly torturous.

So anyway, afterwards I went to the gym with my new gym buddies, Jen, Jonathan and George, where I was routinely slaughtered, piece by piece. It all started with a slight ache in my abs due to our workout two days ago, and by the end I could barely stand straight up or lie down on any of the benches to do today’s workout. Somehow I survived though, and I was benching and doing pulldowns like a pro. I am sure that I will be feeling it tomorrow though. Just in time for PT! (i.e. physical training) In fact, the word on the street is that my entire CITP class (usually, our CITP class is broken into two halves for any of the labs or PTs) will have this one instructor, Mr. Madeiro, tomorrow, who is an old military man who likes to run his troops into the ground. For example, if Ms. Banta, our usual instructor, has us run three miles in 30 minutes, Madeiro will have his troops run SIX miles in the same amount of time. He is well known for making his guys do pushups in flee-infested areas (all the guys are complaining of flea bites), and then finishes his classes by really punishing the guys with pushups with your feet on raised logs, or fifty pull-ups, or something else equally painful. Apparently he’s not a treat. So I hope he is not the man in charge tomorrow. Damn the man!

Well, before I get too far off track and into a blind rage, I finished the evening with a nice dinner out with Jen and a girl from the DS BSAC class 71, RJ. We drove out to St. Simons Island and had a nice refreshing meal and some girl talk at this little café. It was wonderful to get out and about, but I am so tired now that I almost wish I had staid home and completed my schoolwork. Well, I do have a whole day off this weekend, so I can probably get everything prepared within the next day or two.

And that’s where things stand for right now. I am still looking forward to Thanksgiving at home with da’ momma, and seeing my Nonnie. I hear I get all the free turkey I can stomach! And that makes Ryan a happy little FLETC girl…no more cafeteria food!

So that’s my story for the time being. There are only 23 days and counting…

One more day done, baby, yeah! Actually, this week is going by wonderfully and quick – I think going home, even if only for a day and a half, was really all the refreshment I needed to keep going, trudging down that FLETC road. I am looking forward to the rest of this course with vigor! (Yeah, and pigs can fly…)

So anyway, today we had some more fun with non-lethal techniques, in which we learned the initial moves for some ground fighting. I think it is one of the few days that I didn’t go home with more than a few bruises. However, I did manage to toss Jen headfirst into the mat and she tried to make me feel guilty all day by complaining about her headache. Ooopsie.

Of course, she returned the favor (sort of) by doing one of the drops completely wrong and landing me right between her legs – a move I wasn’t quite prepared for! I mean, I’ve been calling here my “little spoon” all this time (I’M the big spoon), but I didn’t really think we’d get to public displays of affection so quickly… oooh-wee baby!

I will point out that I wasn’t as tough as some of the other students in our class today. One of the guys took our Radi today, by smashing him into the ground and throwing out his back. We had to clear the room and let all the health unit personnel go inside with all their equipment. A bit of an adrenaline rush, but Radi was walking again within twenty minutes. We were worried for a moment there because the other half of our class has thus far made two guys pass out, cracked one guy’s ribs, and sent another to the hospital. We didn’t want to be compared to the likes of them by having a major injury ourselves. Thankfully, Radi is the picture of health and was able to join us again in our firearms class.

Firearms was interesting today, to say the least. Now our targets actually look like real people and we are practicing behind different types of cover – barrels, cars, wooden scrims…so on and so forth. Next time we do this line of fire, those targets are going to be our instructors and they are going to try to riddle us with paintballs. This should prove to be rather amusing, if not intimidating.

After lunch today we had a rousing class of Questioned Documents (don’t ask; I don’t know what that means either), quickly followed by another round of 4th Amendment. The good news is that we have now completed our entire course on 4th amendment. The bad news is that we have our second legal exam tomorrow. Um, yeah. So now I’m supposed to be studying but I haven’t quite motivated myself into doing that yet. I promise I’ll get there.

Class ended at 4:30PM and then I got to run off to the PTD building (physical training division), where I donned my pretty blue PT uniform (they’re part of the smurf suit ensemble) and played in the weight room with Jen, Jonathan and George. It has been much too long since I last tried to get into a gym. Not that I really enjoy it, but anything that gets me out of this cement prison they like to call a dorm room makes me happy. It was actually quite nice to go out and play with my classmates. I gave them all the sarcasm they could handle and I believe they cracked a few smiles (or something). It’s a gift really…

So now I am back in my room after a fulfilling pasta dinner and I am trying to talk myself into studying for the exam and going to bed early. I think I’ll do that right about now. But I didn’t want to leave you guys out in the lurch again, like I did last week – for those of you who actually read this thing anyway.

Well my dear friends, lovers, comrades in arms, family members, and other assorted beings, I think I am trying to take my leave of you. But don’t you cry. I’ll be back soon enough.

For the time being, just remember that it is only 25 and counting…