Where oh where have I gone? Where oh where can I be…?

And the million dollar answer is: Washington D.C. I am back on the trail again, off to our nation’s capital to do crime-fighting at its finest: guarding the ever-holy door knob. Yes, I know, you are all slobbering in your envy, but really, you cannot come. Apparently, our fearless leader of DoS is not exactly the kind of man who wants you to stand outside his bedroom door.

But ME on the other hand, why, I am more than welcome! So it’s off to a month of the Secretary’s Detail, where I get to spend the sunlit hours sleeping and the long nights guarding our national treasures: every sewer plate within a five-mile radius of Colin Powell.

As you DCers already know, I will be in your area beginning tomorrow and spanning through the 14th (at least as the current schedule stands). Call me if you want to see my bright and shining face.

In other news, I was recently handed a lovely spot on the Israeli Foreign Minister’s detail (Silvan Shalom) – right in time for my mother’s visit to NYC. Just like when Michelle visited…. In any case, I must say that if I never see the inside of the NYC Toys R Us with a detail again, it will be too soon. I was dodging and weaving through aisles of toys, running around shelving, dodging the Israeli Shin Bet (who, despite requesting our assistance, also insist on sending out a contingent of no less than 15), and toppling small children. It was a full-contact sport, and all so I could stand to the left or right of Shalom when he and his personal shopper made any move throughout the store. Because, as you know, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to take a bullet for someone else (and yes, said with all due sarcasm). At least I was able to get a workout, having not been able to make it to the gym for several days.

Did I mention that Shalom actually got spotted? Yes, I am serious. A group of Israeli kids just so happened to be in Toys R Us at the time and completely bum rushed the guy. The Shin Bet people stood aside to let them pass and then there was me, the total a$$hole standing in their way saying, “No.” They began speaking in Hebrew to me, so apparently my completely blank stare wasn’t getting through to them. I said, “I don’t speak Hebrew.” Oh, those poor children! They seemed so confused. In any case, they finally had their way with the foreign minister and snapped several dozen photographs with him. I felt like I was protecting Madonna or something.

Well, despite all the shenanigans, throughout the detail I though of our lovely Yael. Yes, yes. Some of the Shin Bet even had names like Michal… on an unrelated note, one guy was named Israel, and I thought he was joking at first. How was I to know that it is a very popular name in Israel? Go figure.

There was another woman named Enat (phonetically spelled, it is pronounced something like “A Gnat”) who actually had the Star of David tattooed in her front teeth. How do you approach someone like that? “Hey, I’m a Catholic, what are you?” She smiles. “Oh….oh, I see…”

Whatever. Very hardcore. But nice. The funniest thing I saw with Enat was one of the housekeepers at the hotel trying to convince her to turn to the New Testament and Christianity. I don’t think the housekeeper was winning any points that day.

Speaking of the hotel, however, the following famous people were spotted within a span of 2 days:
Mark Paul Gossler (remember Zack Morris? He was on site to shoot a scene for NYPD Blue)
Larry David (Seinfeld anyone? Curb Your Enthusiasm perhaps?)
Peter Boyle (most recently the father on Everyone Loves Raymond)
Barbara Walters (needs no introduction…but she talks just like my grandmother!)
Lauren Bush (supermodel extraordinaire)
Luis Guzman (Carlito’s Way, Punch Drunk Love, Traffic, Magnolia…)

Yeah, so now I can say that I held the elevator for Barbara Walters…whoopee!

Other than that, my mom was here, like I mentioned earlier. We wined, we dined, we walked through the park… Glorious good times, my friends. Twas nice to see da’ momma and San…

Now, like I said, I am off to DC and wherever for the month of August. Then it’s the UN General Assembly here in New York for the month of September. So it’s looking like if you email me, I won’t be getting back to you until October. You’re looking at one very busy girl here!

I will have you know that I will have both my cell phones on me while I travel, and therefore will be able to communicate somewhat. So call. Call. CALL!