Self-Involvement

Have you ever looked closely at yourself without the aid of a mirror, in the midst of having a conversation with yourself, and asked, "Why are you such a miserable pessimist of a human being?"

I have been doing that all day, while I silently rage against the world and Anthony is on the telephone verbally expressing his dismay at having to work so hard and for so long, with nary a rest between jobs. Sometimes I think, "How much more selfish can I be?" And then I follow that up with, "And why not be selfish? You deserve to vent your anger and frustration at the world sometimes too..."

And all this to say that there is a battle raging in my head these past few weeks, stress and frustration and uncertainty uppermost in my mind, keeping me awake long hours into the night far after I've climbed wearily into bed. Poor Anthony, like those legions of men (and by "legions" I mean a whole TWO GUYS) before him, has to endure all my crazy neuroses, where I analyze myself and him and my roommates and my friends and my family and all those "what-ifs" that may never come to be. It must be EXHAUSTING to put up with me. How does he do it?

Now he is grumpy and tired, constantly venting in my general direction and I can't even bring myself to be as nice as I want to be (or even as nice as he usually is to me). In my mind, it's always all about me and I don't know where this selfless love is supposed to come from, but I am apparently missing that gene. Why can't I just be a nice girl - listen sympathetically (i.e. SHUTUP RYAN!), speak very little (i.e. WHO ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION?!!), and act like a 1950's housewife (i.e. cook, clean, launder, and have a whiskey on the rocks in hand when the breadwinner comes home - because god knows I'm not making any money!).

Okay, so maybe I won't be turning back the feminism, but it couldn't hurt to be a bit more empathic (or is it "empathetic?"). I know there are things on my mind lately - I sorely dislike my current job, which doesn't pay me much; I'm applying to new jobs but am not really sure which direction I want to take; I'm poor; I'm applying to Columbia for a program and may also eventually have to take the GRE (depending on which career track I take); I'm studying for the foreign service exam, etc. - but there are things that are weighing on Anthony, too.

I guess what I'd like to know is how other couples out there do it. If you're both under tremendous outside pressure, how do you make each others' loads a little easier to bear? I feel like I always react in the wrong manner, as if everything I have to give just isn't good enough anymore. It's a very new and strange feeling, having always been so confident in myself in life. Anthony doesn't seem to want anyone, not even me, to help him and I am terrible at accepting the solution-based conversation of men. Yet I can't seem to get enough of him and he tells me he loves me. Where are we going wrong today?

I must be having a bad day. It's either that or an analytical breakdown.

On a completely different topic, our newest intern smells really tasty. I mean, seriously. I don't know what he does in the morning - puts on a nice cologne, swims in his deoderant, takes a bath - but whatever it is, it makes the entire front office smell like a sweet, sweet version of baby powder.