Some day I hope to have goals

Recently I was asked what I want in life. The question was within the parameters of romantic relationships, and I was certainly taken aback by the question since I realized that the answer has changed so much over time. I distinctly remember my dad once advising me to “find someone similar to you so you get along, but with enough differences that you have something to talk about.” Which could very easily explain why Vince and I are no longer even friends (although this could very much have to do with a recent Facebook message he sent me, apropos of nothing, to inform me that I am now, have always been, and always will be a truly horrible human being), but it doesn’t stretch far enough to explain why Anthony and I couldn’t make it work. After all, I thought we were going to get married and have beautiful baby together (singular usage definitely intended).


While I still think that what my father said holds true, there is so much more to finding a life partner than that, some of which is completely inexplicable because it’s more on a cellular, chemical level. But some of it is far easier to rationalize – which is clearly what a logical person like myself does to explain why, after a decade defined by two long-term relationships, I find myself single once again.

The rationalizing? I compare men I meet or have met to the men I’ve dated – a few key things from each relationship certainly stick out in my brain as things I would like to improve upon in the next, and hopefully last, round. Not all of the sticking points are about the men, either, because I could certainly learn to be kinder, more present, more forgiving, more open, more loving, and clearly more communicative (a good friend of mine recently told me how surprised she was to find out how emotionally inaccessible I am – apparently there’s room for improvement). Or, I could turn Vince’s world upside down and just stop being such a no-good, very bad, horrible person.

But regarding the question of what I want in a romantic partner, I’ve got a list nebulously started in my brain. I am sure there is more to it than just the following, but I’ll share with you a few of the highlights. I am hoping for a man who…
• Loves me for who I am and who I have the potential to be;
• Is my best friend;
• Is a man who I respect, and who values loyalty, honor and honesty;
• Communicates (with me, preferably);
• Knows that relationships require a lot of care and attention, and that difficulties will come, but is committed to seeing them through;
• Will love my family and make sacrifices for them, just as he would with his own family;
• Laughs with me about everything and nothing – and helps me laugh at myself.

Basically, I am just looking for someone to grow old with me and who will share all of life’s ups and downs with me – and do it gratefully, gladly, respectfully and with love. Somehow, I don’t think this is too much to ask.

(Mel, this totally reminds me of that conversation we had years ago about the kind of partner you were looking for…you said something along the lines of doctor or lawyer, plays the piano, not Asian…I wonder how much you’ve revised your list since then?)