So I just got off the phone with my mother and I told her I was going to post her job suggestions on the world wide web for all the world to see. Seeing as I am still unemployed, my dearest, darling mother thinks I should be one of the following: a bartender with a back room dedicated to waxing the chests and backs of gay men, a stripper – but then she had second thoughts and said I would need “major surgery” for that (thanks mom, I’m feeling the love), a surrogate mother, and, my favorite, a madam (move over, Heidi Fleiss!).

Anyone else have any suggestions?

There goes my New Year’s resolution. That whole keeping you guys updated on my life thing went right out the window these past few weeks… Oh well. C’est la vie.

You’ve only missed a lingerie party, my brother’s birthday, a night of laughs at the Comedy Club, David Mamet’s Spartan, a new haircut replete with overly BLOND highlights, a murder mystery weekend in the heart of the Poconos, installing clips on my bike instead of pedals, Corinne visiting me for a rainy do-nothing day in New York, a doctor’s appointment that informed me of a lovely “cyst” in my left wrist (still awaiting prognosis), and being kidnapped by Erin and Andrew upon their arrival to New York. See? That’s all.

My life has actually taken on an odd new kind of ritualization. Being unemployed has forced me to find new habits and to constantly seek out things to do. The biggest item of continuity on that list is my obsessive gym habit. I found myself a nice trainer named Alex whose sole goal in life is to wipe the smile off my face – it hasn’t worked yet, but he’s certainly made a few of my day-after’s less enjoyable. I am in the gym about 3 days a week now, and on my bike about 3. When the weather is abysmal (like today), I have more gym days. I spend about an hour and a half in the gym each time, and around two to three hours on my bike. It’s a painful process at times, but I hope it makes me suck that much less when it comes to the big 100 miler in June.

I have also taken up cooking quite a bit. Corinne got a taste of my leek soufflé when she was in town last week, but Vince has reaped most of the culinary benefits. The big item on the menu this week is lamb medallions with shallots, tarragon and red wine. (Mom, you’ll be happy to know that I even made your favorite bruschetta this week!) You can tell I’ve been cooking a lot since Vince has developed such a cute little tummy!

Other than that, I’ve continued my job hunt (unsuccessfully), and read a few books (most notably started Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, and read the Audrey Hepburn biography by Barry Paris) – real exciting, huh?

Anyway, I must be off! I am meeting with one of Jeff’s friends who works for Random House…

Interesting things I’ve done this week: felt like a pimp sitting in the back row of an all-male, gay strip club; watched Secret Things (2002, France) with Starr and caught myself laughing out loud at the all but dramatic ending; and still managed to stay unemployed.

Of course, today I am drawing inspiration from my friend Jeff’s resume and plan on working the rest of the evening on re-writing my resume in several different formats. I haven’t yet decided which career path to truly follow so this is a difficult undertaking. In Jeff’s case, he has a very serious angle, focusing on business, engineering, and teaching. His resume is phenomenal and I would hire him right this second if I was CEO of a major company… However, mine still looks pitiful for the careers I have been eyeing. I will just have to try harder. So that’s my assignment tonight.

As for the rest of my life, Vincent is now home with me, having returned back to New York on Friday night for reasons I like to put together under one heading: “Ryan’s happiness.” I am still training to be all I can be for my century biking challenge, having spent the past week getting my tush kicked – KICKED – by my teammates. I don’t think I’ve spent this much time on a bike and running since high school. Perhaps even earlier – my childhood bicycle has been on permanent retirement for about eleven years now…

In any case, all my friends and family have been incredible in helping me out with the fundraising aspect of my athleticism. I honestly never thought I would get so much response, this much support. It’s amazing. If for no other reason, I’m going to have to finish this race for all of you…

So, things to look forward to: Murder Mystery weekend at Brookview Manor next weekend; updating my bicycle to more competitive standards and training (i.e. trying not to fall) on it; and getting a job.

Wish me luck, kiddos…

Have you ever been unemployed for a long period of time? I’m going on three weeks and I don’t think I’ve been this stagnant since…since… well, never. At least when I was seven or eight, I was building folding-chair huts with my neighbor, Matt, so we could make-out in privacy when I had free time. Now I am just laying around on the faux-wood floors, staring at the ceiling, and wishing that SOMEONE wasn’t working and would answer their cell phone!!!

The only thing that I seem to be able to focus on (other than applying for something like 10-20 jobs a day) is my daily workout regimen. Today I went biking for an hour down the West Side Highway. It was cold. I suck at bike riding. And thankfully, I missed the onslaught of rain which has numbed my area of the world for the past few days.

Of course, Vincent is also out of town. Apparently, the good ol’ boys over at ACS need to know what the product they just sold to Washington (state) ACTUALLY does so Vince is down in Lexington giving them a grand tour, PowerPoint style. I am so glad that I am not there – he has something like 87 slides!!!!

In any case, I hadn’t written anything to you guys for a few days so I thought you might miss my “words of wisdom.” I’m afraid I have nothing positive today.

Best of luck with your day.

More fun from the wacky world of my friends:

You're Fahrenheit 451!

by Ray Bradbury

Having wanted to be a firefighter much of your life, you've recently iscovered the job wasn't exactly what you were looking for. While ignorance seems like the result of oppression, it all began with people just wanting to be ignorant. As you realize more about the sordid world around you, you decide to watch less TV and work on your memorization skills. Though your memory will save you in the end, don't forget to practice running from dogs as well.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

After eight years with leukemia, and about seven months bedridden, my Nonnie passed away last Saturday. We are burying her this Saturday, February 28th, to mark her 78th birthday.

I wish I could say it is one of those times in your life when your family and friends come together and you feel, if not exactly - at least in some twisted demento world, like the Cleaver family. Unfortunately, that has not been the case for my mother, my Aunt Kathy, and my grandfather - who have singlehandedly done the bulk of the "work" of taking care of my grandmother these past few months (my grandfather even developed a hernia through all this and just got out of surgery on Tuesday). We opted to have a wake and a private family-only funeral, and now we are actually fielding calls from family friends who are expressing their dissapointment at not being invited to the interment. I can't believe people are so rude as to put their grieving before that of the immediate family. I understand that people are upset, and that they came and sat with Nonnie while she was sick - some of them even changed her, fed her, and bathed her - but honestly, where do they get off?! After expending so much emotional and physical energy for seven months, who has anything left to console others? Why should my mother dread the wake and funeral, knowing that they will be occassions for her to listen to other peoples' sorrows instead of being able to grieve for her own mother? I don't understand how people can be so cruel.

In any case, I am in Massachusetts for the services, and especially for my mom. I am quite stoic, as per my usual self, dealing out "thank you's" and hugs and a listening ear. As you can imagine, my house has been much like a revolving door since I arrived, and I have heard many stories about my grandmother that have made us all laugh and cry... My only wish is that this wasn't so stressful for my mom. She's a real survivor, that lady. Only a few more days and this will all be over.

Well, for the most part. There is always the question of my grandmother's belongings. My sincerest hope is that, in these past several months while she was sick, no one has stolen any of her things. I don't know if there's a will or not, but that doesn't matter. I want things to be as Nonnie wanted them, and, barring that possibility, as the family decides as a unit. Frankly, it pisses me off when I find out that things have gone missing from the house. Since my grandmother is a packrat, it is still possible that things are just lost, not missing. So I hope for that.

(Sigh.) The whole situation just makes me angry. This should be a time for people to remember who she was, in the good and bad times, and to cherish those memories. It shouldn't be a time to disrespect the family, forge new arguments, and steal from my grandmother....

With that in mind, while I was jogging around the cemetery this morning (I know - how morose! Even more so when you consider that they were actually digging my grandmother's plot today...), I was thinking about the future. More specifically, about the day when mine is no longer up to me - when I die. And I decided that when I die (barring a future will and any changes therein), I want to be cremated. There will be NO funeral and NO wake. A group of my friends and closest family members will be invited to take my ashes on "vacation" to some distant country to which I've never trekked, and pour my remains in some body of water so I can travel for as long as my ashes will be carried. That's it. No great revelations, no wearing black - nothing. I just want someone to bring me on some permanent vacation...

Well, that's enough of that. I wanted to give those of you who are wondering about me a heads up, and even for those of you who are NOT wondering, I wanted to make you wish you were.

I love you all.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Another useless, overly commercial holiday where people run out into the great wide world of opportunists and make an art form out of consumerism.

That being said, I enjoyed my holiday. More to the point, I’ve enjoyed my whole week out of work. I feel a little better knowing that I now have the time to get a few things done. Like meeting the Fab 5. Yeah, the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! They did this promotion with Virgin Megastore for their new CD, and Vince went out and purchased it so I could get an armband. The armband allowed us to stand outside Virgin on Friday night for two hours for the opportunity to meet 5 of the most famous gay men today. I want you all to know that I got to kiss, and be kissed by, Kyan, Thom, Jai, AND Ted (and as the woman behind me kept screaming, “Kyan is so HOT!” – with extreme emphasis on the word “HOT!” Of course, my constant reply was, “Yeah, but he’s GAY.” Oh well, I tried.).

Carson was the first boy I met and I was totally unprepared. The security at the event gave you about two seconds in front of each person before they ushered you on. So yeah, after two hours in the cold, where my toes were nothing more than blocks of ice in my non-winter shoes, I hadn’t thought of something witty to say to Carson in the whole two seconds of time I was allotted.

However, Carson was on HIS game so I was thoroughly complimented on my sweater (which was repeated by 4 out of 5 gay boys) and by gay boy number 2 I had found something interesting to say. And managed a few kisses. Nothing compares to my make-out sessions with Jimmy (he’ll ALWAYS be my number one gay boy!!!), but it made my night.

Of course, Vincent had no interest in being there so he did his best to take pictures around the security guards (usually failing). Here’s what he was able to snap:





That night I also got to see opening night of 50 First Dates – that new movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The reason I bring this up is because Vincent actually cried. And I want you all to go out and see the kind of movie he connects to. It’ll be an experience. And at the very least, it’s an enjoyable romantic comedy…

After the movie we were supposed to meet up with Mel and Andrew, but Mel couldn’t hold her liquor at dinner (some things just never change ) so it was just Vincent, me, Andrew and about a million Penn grads in town for the Penn game. I reconnected with David, who received a ride from Washington D.C. to Philadelphia from us about two-three years ago and we dropped him off right ON I-676 because the traffic was so bad. I also got to see Brian (remember him, Michelle?), who was once of the belief that I am a lesbian. I don’t know if that’s changed, but I guess it’s good that he wasn’t around for the $40 transaction that occurred last time Andrew was in town.

In any case, we drank a fish bowl full of alcohol (which is incidentally how Andrew got this alligator):



I had a good time – even if Andrew kept trying to cop a feel to determine if I really got my nipples pierced!

And the only other thing I have to show you guys is this:



I was there when Jeremy Roenick took a puck to the face and broke his jaw. It was unreal. I mean, you’re always accustomed to all the heavy hitting and all that is beautifully aggressive about the game of hockey, but that much blood is usually not an occurrence. Then about thirty seconds later, another “star” player, Primeau, was taken out of the game for taking a hit to the face.

I still hold to my opinion that hockey is the most beautiful, graceful violence I’ve ever encountered, of course.