Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers

(source of quote: Bill Cosby)

Laughter is all that got me through this weekend's screening of The Delta Force, with Chuck Norris. That and a bottle of wine.

Seriously though, folks, don't rent this one, unless you're running your own version of Mystery Science Theatre. Eric was kind enough to bring the one-liners, which he probably got from the Top Ten Facts about Chuck Norris:

1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
5. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
6. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
7. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
8. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
9. Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
10. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

These are the facts that you need to know before watching such classics as The Delta Force, which somehow Anthony was astounded to find that none of us had seen (other than him, of course).

I sincerely CAN'T WAIT for Bad Movie Night: The Return.

And yes, that is typed with sarcasm. Full, unbridled sarcasm.

My two cents on the immigration debate

I hate to say it, but President Bush just may be right about this one. As far as my understanding goes (which is, as a rule, fairly limited), his proposals for immigration reform appear to be the most progressive we've seen for a very long time.

Once again, I was reading the latest article by Orson Scott Card to be published on The Ornery American, and I am convinced.

The only exception that I will make is this: having once worked as an officer of the law, it was once my DUTY to arrest people who broke the law. As long as the immigration laws that are currently on the books are in effect, it is our duty as law-abiding Americans to adhere to it.

That being said, there ARE many different motivations for breaking the law and there should be a penal system that recognizes that an illegal immigrant who has done nothing more than work three jobs to support his/her family here should be treated much differently from an illegal immigrant who deals drugs or commits acts of violence against others.

I strongly suggest that you go and read Card's article. Part of my dislike for my former job is related to what he has to say, only he says it much more eloquently than I ever could (after all, he is a WRITER; I am just an IT professional - for now, anyway).

In my old job, our work was divided into two broad categories: dignitary protection and criminal investigations. Our criminal work was directly related to U.S. visa and passport law. I worked in the five boroughs of New York City and northern New Jersey to investigate violations of our passport laws, and I can easily say that 99.9% of my cases were simply instances of illegal immigrants attempting to get a U.S. passport for work purposes.

Most of my cases involved Dominicans posing as Puerto Ricans on their passport applications, which is clearly outlined as a federal offense on the application itself. While the infraction is considered a misdemeanor, with a prison sentence maximum of 2-3 years, the process of arresting an illegal alien for this offense automatically forwards their case on to ICE, which then turns around and investigates their status. If they are found to be here illegally, they will be deported.

While the process for deportation is long, I have seen cases of families being torn apart in the end - one example is that the parents, who are illegally in the U.S., are sent back to their home country, and their children, born in the U.S. and therefore American citizens, are being placed under the care of social services.

There are some agents who are really militant about prosecuting these people and seem to take sadistic pleasure in the violent upheaval of these people's lives; and there are others, like me, who see the injustice of it all, take away all the illegal documentation, warn them about repeat offending, and advise the U.S. Attorney's office not to pursue the arrest. However, most of my former colleagues didn't seem to have an opinion on the matter - it was simply their job and that was that.

Personally, I couldn't stomach the day-to-day realities of what we were asked to do for this country. I am a fairly rigid person - I believe stoutly in structure, planning, organization... Law didn't seem like such a stretch. Until you see how these people live and who they are.

The neighborhoods in which these people live are appalling. Sometimes it looks like the trash trucks haven't been through in years. The buildings are decaying, there are empty or burnt out lots surrounding homes that families actually live in. And then there's the criminal element that takes over. Gang members walk the streets brazenly. The corner market hides its employees behind several inches of bulletproof glass.

The interiors don't always get much better. Cockroaches. Filth. These people don't always have the time or money to invest in themselves, let alone their habitation. Too much of their time is spent in keeping food on the table. They live what outwardly appears to be unhappy, unfulfilling lives.

But their hope is toward the future. They work hard in the expectation that their children won't have to suffer so much and receive so little. The importance they place on family is a lesson many of us would do better to adopt.

The important thing here, however, is that they WORK HARD. For the most part, these individuals are no stranger to hard work. A few of the people I investigated were even reporting to the IRS every year. All these people want, and have ever wanted, is to be able to work and provide for their families, maybe even raise their children in better circumstances and with more opportunities than they had.

In the end, I didn't want to enforce America's laws (not on these matters, anyway). The extent to which we as Americans can legally harass these people, who are otherwise upstanding citizens, is criminal. Working to arrest and deport illegal immigrants is contrary to my nature and I couldn't go home every night, safe in the conviction that what I was doing was right. We were punishing the wrong people, who I believe were acting out of desperation to keep their jobs and provide for their families.

And now we as a people are propogating the wrongs already in place. By failing to act on immigration reform, we are giving in to our basest nature - that tendency in ourselves to make snap decisions about a person because they are different (black, Jew, gay, Mexican, wearing a turban...) and then persecuting them for that difference.

President Bush's plan may not answer all the evils, but it is a great big leap forward. We owe it to our beliefs as Americans to make the changes necessary to decriminalize our immigrants.

Send me your worst

After many a beer and quite the bubbly buzz, Anthony decided to schedule the Worst Movies Ever Made viewings. Eric promised to save me from the hell that is watching all these movies by myself with him, and we are certainly interested in increasing that number. If you are interested in joining, please let me know; otherwise you will probably receive an evite cry for help.

Apparently the criteria for included movies is that the movie be "so bad that it is good." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it appears that all truly terrible attempts at a movie romance are out. Some of the required viewings include: Delta Force, Flash Gordon, and Clash of the Titans. Clearly, the classics.

If you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them. If only to give myself the "pleasure" of knowing what my movie-watching fate is.

In other news, Eric is also promising me a Quizzo league. If you live in the DC area and are interested in teaming up to make fun of my general lack of trivia knowledge, again let me know. We will be coming to a pub near you.

Dogs are friendly, sometimes restaurants are too

My friend Nathalie and I went out for drinks yesterday and I thought I would amuse her with reminding her of our Philadelphia days by bringing her to the $2 Yuengling happy hour at Saint-Ex. Luckily, she is an animal lover and consented to me bringing Grace along. Although I have brought Grace with me to Saint-Ex's outdoor seating area before, I was told that the happy hour drinks could be consumed at the indoor bar. The outdoor seating is reserved for guests who are going to consume dinner only.

We pleaded and talked reason, stating that we would leave if they needed the space, but right now they only had 2 out of a dozen tables occupied and we wouldn't really be much bother. They refused. House rules or something.

So I am highly displeased with them, despite their delicious brunch menu and their normally catering to the fact that I have a dog that loves to be with me and cannot understand why she can't come into restaurants with me.

The highlight was that Bar Pilar, only a few barfronts down the street, was perfectly happy to entertain us - ALL OF US - with their happy hour outdoors. Our server was very kind and brought my beloved Grace a big bowl of water, which was greatly appreciated during our three-hour stay.

I know it's not much, but it takes so little to make your customers happy and I wish that more customer service industry personnel would figure that out.

So thank you, nameless waitress at Bar Pilar! You are wonderful!

Happy belated birthday...

...to the Dalai Lama, who turned 71 yesterday! What a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful man.

North Korea / U.S. relations

In a way, North Korea is old news. However, I read a comment on a friend's site that inspires me to write about the issue. This particular friend thinks we shouldn't be involved in North Korea's affairs and that if they want to test the Taepodong-2 missile, then it is none of our concern.

Not all that long ago (within the last six months), I wrote a short paper on the six-nation talks with Pyongyang and the ramifications North Korea's nuclear program has on international affairs. I do not have that paper handy at this exact second, but I can make a few statements relating to these and the recent failed missile test.

Here are the facts:

• In 1985, North Korea signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty;
• In 1992, the first IAEA inspectors review North Korea's nuclear program but are limited in their inspection by the state;
• In 1993, the IAEA declared that it would no longer will provide assurances that North Korea did not have nuclear weapons;
• In 1994, North Korea signed the Agreed Framework which stipulated it would dismantle its nuclear program;
• In 1998, North Korea launched a Taepodong-1 missile over Japan;
• In 2002, a uranium-enrichment program was discovered in North Korea and Kim Jong Il kicked out IAEA monitors, in violation of that 1994 treaty;
• In 2003, Jong Il withdrew North Korea's participation in the non-proliferation treaty and made claims that the country now had weapons-grade plutonium and would actively work on a "nuclear deterrent;"
• The six-party talks began in August 2003 to resolve the nuclear issue with North Korea - countries involved are China, South Korea, Russia, the U.S., Japan and North Korea;
• The fourth round of Six-Party Talks in 2005 resulted in a Joint Statement that commits North Korea to "abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs and returning, at an early date, to the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons and to IAEA safeguards" in exchange for economic aid;
• In 2006, North Korea test-launches six missiles, one of which is the Taepodong-2 (fails).

Other fun facts:

• North Korea is one of the few surviving communist states, although Kim Jong Il claims they follow their own Juche politics;
• 2005 was the 11th year running that North Korea experienced a food shortage - China is experiencing a large-scale problem with illegal immigration as North Koreans are crossing the borders in search of food;
• North Korea depends upon humanitarian assistance to feed its people;
• The bulk of North Korea's finances, instead of being used to treat the issue of mass malnutrition (which would be mass starvation and famine if there were no international food aid), is spent on the military (North Korea has the fifth-largest army in the world) - military spending is estimated at 20%-25% of its GNP;
• Kim Jong Il has total control of the country (contrary to the idea of Juche politics), often being referred to as a dictator, but within North Korea holding the official titles of General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, Chairman of the National Defense Commission, and Supreme Commander of the Korean Peoples' Army;
• North Korea has supplied Iran and Pakistan with weapons;
• North Korea is officially atheist and all other religions are zealously suppressed;
• Amnesty International and other international organizations accuse North Korea of having one of the worst human rights records of any nation.

I have not editorialized any of the content above, but I cannot see how anyone can look at the facts and still believe that the U.S. can maintain an isolationist stance in today's world. We are all connected through commerce and with that benefit, there are many responsibilities.

Kim Jong Il has labeled the U.S. as imperialists and uses propoganda to paint a picture of American aggression. He sees our country as the biggest threat to North Korea's sovereignty and, as a result, to his rule. We cannot ignore the fact that North Korea views us as public enemy number one, and it is in the name of national security that we must remain involved in the affairs of this country.

North Korea is unstable and ruled by a totalitarian platform. Access to the country is incredibly limited and there exist many questions about even the true structure of their government. The majority of information we have on the country's government, human rights abuses, etc. comes from Jong Il's propoganda and the stories of North Koreans who crossed the border into freedom.

In the 1990's, famine killed an estimated 3.5 million people and international food aid has prevented that situation from reoccuring since. However, most people still suffer from malnutrition and food is diverted to the military that is intended for civilian relief. And despite all the assistance, experts in 2005 predicted another food shortage to occur shortly.

If not for reasons of national security, then the U.S. should be involved in North Korea's affairs for humanitarian reasons.

And in fact, we are present for both. The treaties and agreements set forth in the past with North Korea have often been an offer of economic and food aid to the country in exchange for the cease of their nuclear ambitions. Light-water reactors, to be used for energy creation, have been offered.

And yet the facts still remain. North Koreans are being brutalized at the hands of their government. Kim Jong Il is setting up the U.S. as North Korea's biggest enemy. North Korea has nuclear ambitions and it is unclear whether they already have or have the capability to make nuclear weapons. And the North Korean government continues to test short- and long-range missiles with the capability to strike the U.S. (not to mention surrounding countries, such as Japan, with whom North Korea has a long history of enmity).

What about this situation would impel you to NOT care about what happens in North Korea? Ignoring the problem will not make it go away. In fact, it is exactly that isolationist stance that can come back and bite you in the bum. U.S. history gives us plenty of examples of what happens when the U.S. remains aloof. Too many lives have been squandered because we didn't want to be involved. I cannot stress enough what a mistake that would be in the case of North Korea.

More proof of my loser status

It is Monday and I realize that once again I have wasted an entire weekend. Anthony returned from his whirlwind trip to Scotland, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Russia and Ireland (all in four and a half days) on Friday evening, and then begun working the midnight shift on Saturday night. So really, he's a little bit tired.

I relate that information so you can all forgive me for once again sitting on my plump (and getting plumper) arse for two days. As Anthony is averse to all things fungus, it was easy to convince him to take me out to eat on Friday night instead of partaking of my vegetarian (read: mushroom) lasagna, but that was our only foray out into the concrete wilderness that exists beyond our apartment door.

We went to try Two Quail, which is supposedly "the most romantic" restaurant in DC. It may have been if either waitress ever felt the need to check on our table within the first twenty minutes of arrival. For some reason, the girls kept checking on the surrounding tables, but wouldn't even look in our direction. We were beginning to feel invisible until this one beautiful moment where Anthony and I, in unison no less, gave one girl "the look." It must have made the girl's neck hair stand on end because she was heading out of the room and all of a sudden stopped, turned, and looked directly at us. Yesssss! We were solid opaque beings once again.

The food didn't quite make up for the service so I am removing this restaurant from my DC Restaurants sidebar. Middling food for such a trek and the price makes Ryan go "eh."

The rest of the weekend was consumed by walking the dog, watching the World Cup, napping, watching Pride and Prejudice for about the millionth time, The Simpsons, scrapbooking, watching The Remains of the Day, cooking (and sweating), and one more run through of 10 Things I Hate About You. I know, tres exciting.