How a herniated disc turned into a royal pain in my ass

I have entertained my coworkers now for two weeks with my stand-up work station and hopping from foot to foot - the latter of which has earned me the nickname "Skippy." I guess it comes with the territory.

Most of the people I work with, however, still have no idea I herniated a disc in my back. So I'm beginning to feel like an automated explanation machine for orthopedists everywhere. Every day I have to explain to someone else what exactly I did to myself to deserve such an injury. Even my boss has a most amusing speculation that somehow involves Anthony...

To the great dissatisfaction of all, I have no answer for why my disc decided to herniate. I have been feeling some minor back pain for about six months now, but it was mild and usually arrived around the same time as my period. So I thought nothing of it; after all, we women like to bitch and moan at that time of the month and everything hurts.

Then about two weeks ago, it really started to pang. I was stiff every morning but I still went to the gym. The biggest issue was trying to stretch because my back wouldn't really allow me to bend over too far. I assumed (incorrectly, so it seems) that all the running I've been doing was just making my muscles too tight and unused to flexing.

That weekend I thought I'd try a new tactic: yoga. Anthony left to visit his family in North Carolina at the asscrack of Sunday, and later that morning I signed up at the studio 1/2 a block from our apartment. I told the instructor I was experiencing some major back pains and then we started class. The woman kept telling us to "hinge forward" like some sort of masochist - that basically means we were supposed to touch our toes. Let's just say that I pretended I could bend like Gumby.

The result was that I could barely move when I got home. I staid in bed for the rest of the day, and all of Monday too. I only got up to call the doctor's office to make an appointment (speaking of which, don't ever try to walk-in to a doctor's office in DC; they don't allow for that - apparently that is what the ER is for). I was done. As in, stick a fork in me cuz I'm DONE.

And that, basically, is that. You can herniate a disc just by making the mistake of waking up in the morning. Isn't that just lovely?

Now my back is feeling alright, but it's the sciatica I'm suffering from. I am one of the lucky few who actually has pain running from my right butt-cheek down to my metatarsals (like that?). The front half of my right foot is pretty numb most of the time, but the rest of my leg feels like I just received a fresh round of charley-horses. And occasionally when I walk, something pinches a nerve and I jump like I've just been goosed. It's hilarious, I tell you, just hilarious.

The hardest position for me to keep for long periods of time is the seated position. So my doctor advised me to set up a standing work station. Now I stand at work for 8 hours a day, with frequent breaks to rest my feet. It doesn't sound like too much, but it really is exhausting. Usually I get home and lay in bed for the rest of the evening. I am so LAME (for real this time, Eric).

My doctor also advised me not to run for at least two months; and not to lift weights for even longer. This is getting rather ridiculous - I was in pretty good shape before all this. And the funny thing is that I was already doing all the exercises my doctor advised me to do to keep my back healthy (strengthening the glutes, back, and abdominals). Sometimes I just have all the luck, eh?

In case you are curious, no, the doctor did not prescribe me any medication for this. Only about 4% of the population who herniate a disc end up needing surgery. The rest of us just mend on our own. I was hoping to at the very least be prescribed some physical or massage therapy, but I'm out of luck with that too (and Martha lives in Alabama - what's a girl to do?).

And that, my friends, is the story of my back. You may commence ooohing and aaahing now.