I know I’ve neglected you and I’m sorry. I have been trying to forget that I am here, at FLETC, still. Of course, I did get to break away this past weekend for some down-home lovin’ and some gobble-gobble, as my friend Jeff would say!

To say the least, it has been a trying time here in Glynco. Last week my body decided to call it quits and I got some nasty version of the flu, just in time for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, my fever broke the day before flying out to Massachusetts to spend the holiday with my family and my Vincent. However, I was still plagued with minor body aches, overall exhaustion, and, most notably for an eating holiday, a sore throat. It was a very unhappy Ryan that greeted all her family, and watched as they thoroughly enjoyed their turkey dinners, swallowing without care and with great ease. Ryan was a very sullen girl by the end of the evening.

Yet it was nice to see everyone. We decided that Vincent is really a closet gay since he got along so well with my Auntie Thomas, and my Auntie Thomas decided that I am Jinx, the Halle Berry character in that new James Bond movie, Die Another Day. Which ended up being rather amusing when you consider the fact that I spent the holiday weekend watching the Bond-a-thon on TNN. I even had some time left over for the last half of Erin Brokovitch, and a wonderful run of Pretty Woman. Yay for Sean Connery and Julia Roberts!

I also got to see my Christy, and her little Sarol. Sarol is getting huge now – speaking and walking even! Last time I saw Sarol, she was a wee babe screaming in my arms (as all small children seem to want to do whenever I am near). Now she is coming on two years of age and is getting to be quite the little Parker child! Of course, she still looks like Matt…

So Vincent took Christy and I out to see Solaris, that new George Clooney movie. Apparently the big draw for the flick is that you get to see Clooney’s tush. I must say that the movie is worth going to see for more than just a full moon. Soderburgh’s movies are always beautifully shot and composed. I had a little bit of trouble with the ending, but I don’t feel that my time was wasted in the theatre. You would have to see it to really understand what I am trying to say. I guess today is not my day for explaining this. Maybe I will try again tomorrow. (But, looking at my track record for writing, the odds are against this.)

And that was my Thanksgiving really. I spent all of Sunday in various airports, just trying to get back to FLETC. The one big bonus is that base is more of a non-smoking environment. As much as I love my mom, I also love to breathe easier knowing that nicotine is not coating my esophagus and lungs at the moment. MMmmmmm…breathing.

Anywho. Today was our first day back and I find that people are still as bitter as they were before we left in regards to actually being at FLETC. I would have thought that four days away would have cured some of those ills, but apparently only a permanent vacation could do anything of the sort. However, everyone must buckle down now no matter what. Most of our practical exams, written tests, and so forth are in the next few days. It’s a really top-heavy week for us. Today was our search warrant P.E. and that about rounds out the P.E.s that we have to write up in our case file. So our case file is due in a day or two. That means lots of fun with paperwork.

In the next few days we have our Legal III exam, our physical exam, our Suppression and Grand Jury Hearings…and so forth and so on. I don’t really remember anymore. All I know is that we need to pass and get on with our lives. This place sucks the life right out of you…

Well, it is high time for me to go to bed. I don’t have much to say today mostly because of the exhaustion that sets in after one day of waking up at 5AM…I will try to be more verbose tomorrow.

4.5 days and counting….

This was originally intended to be posted around 6:30 this morning, but I couldn't log onto the web - what a surprise. So now I'm home and I'm going to post:

I only have a few minutes before I have to walk over to the PT building for my first wonderful PT class of the week! Yay…

But seriously now. I would love to tell you all the wild and wonderful things I’ve done since last I spoke!...

Okay, so now that I’m done…

Okay, so what really happened since last Friday is that we have one less student, and two new students. First and foremost in our minds and our hearts is that our dear Radi was not allowed to continue in the CITP program here at FLETC. He missed passing our last legal test by one question, and even though we disputed several of the questions, the legal division wouldn’t budge and Radi was sent packing, immediately. By 6AM the next day, which was Friday, he was driving his car out the main FLETC gate. As a class, we were quite depressed by this event, especially because we know it could just as easily be any one of us who is asked to depart. We have had a pretty terrible time when it comes to the quality and continuity of instruction down here. Some of the instructors don’t even follow the lesson plans set out for the course and have given us faulty information. Of course, this doesn’t make things any easier for a man whose first language isn’t even remotely English. [sigh]

So anyway, that was point number one. Point number two is that we now have two additions to our class because they were not able to finish and graduate with their respective CITP classes – one due to knee surgery, and the other due to some messy divorce proceedings. The funny thing is that one of them, Jeff, has the same birthday as me.

So last night we celebrated my, and Jeff’s, birth at the G-Bar, our most favorite place to drown our sorrows. A few people made it out, but not many staid for long because we have this test coming up on Friday that everyone is worried about (as per usual). Jeff and I were about the last ones there (the only other person was Jason, and that is only because I told him he was walking me home) – and it was only 9PM. It was almost depressing: me, Jeff, and a half-eaten birthday cake surrounded by empty beer bottles.

That’s been about the most excitement we’ve had in recent days. As I mentioned earlier, we have a test on Friday, and then there’s only our legal three test to worry about. That and all the remaining practical exams (PEs) – our search warrant, our undercover operation, and then our grand jury and suppression hearings. That only leaves our PEB, and then we’re out of here! I can’t wait!

Anyway, that’s my story. I have to go to PT now. It’s been lovely…

Only 18 and counting…

Hey guys! So it’s another beautiful and difficult day down here in lovely Glynco, Georgia! I have just finished typing up an affidavit, which is an application for a search warrant, for my continuous case investigation. More fun than a barrel of monkeys, I swear.

If only you too could have the pleasure…

In any case, there is not much happening on the FLETC front today. I just had a four-hour execution of a search warrant lecture, which, let me tell you, is not as thoroughly exciting as it sounds. Lunch was followed by a high risk vehicle stop lecture, and we ended our day with some simulation of interviewing training course thingy. I would explain it to you all, but it’s a big government secret and you’re not all cleared for this kind of data. No seriously, I would have to kill you. And I’m not a terribly good shot. So the process would be slow and fairly torturous.

So anyway, afterwards I went to the gym with my new gym buddies, Jen, Jonathan and George, where I was routinely slaughtered, piece by piece. It all started with a slight ache in my abs due to our workout two days ago, and by the end I could barely stand straight up or lie down on any of the benches to do today’s workout. Somehow I survived though, and I was benching and doing pulldowns like a pro. I am sure that I will be feeling it tomorrow though. Just in time for PT! (i.e. physical training) In fact, the word on the street is that my entire CITP class (usually, our CITP class is broken into two halves for any of the labs or PTs) will have this one instructor, Mr. Madeiro, tomorrow, who is an old military man who likes to run his troops into the ground. For example, if Ms. Banta, our usual instructor, has us run three miles in 30 minutes, Madeiro will have his troops run SIX miles in the same amount of time. He is well known for making his guys do pushups in flee-infested areas (all the guys are complaining of flea bites), and then finishes his classes by really punishing the guys with pushups with your feet on raised logs, or fifty pull-ups, or something else equally painful. Apparently he’s not a treat. So I hope he is not the man in charge tomorrow. Damn the man!

Well, before I get too far off track and into a blind rage, I finished the evening with a nice dinner out with Jen and a girl from the DS BSAC class 71, RJ. We drove out to St. Simons Island and had a nice refreshing meal and some girl talk at this little café. It was wonderful to get out and about, but I am so tired now that I almost wish I had staid home and completed my schoolwork. Well, I do have a whole day off this weekend, so I can probably get everything prepared within the next day or two.

And that’s where things stand for right now. I am still looking forward to Thanksgiving at home with da’ momma, and seeing my Nonnie. I hear I get all the free turkey I can stomach! And that makes Ryan a happy little FLETC girl…no more cafeteria food!

So that’s my story for the time being. There are only 23 days and counting…

One more day done, baby, yeah! Actually, this week is going by wonderfully and quick – I think going home, even if only for a day and a half, was really all the refreshment I needed to keep going, trudging down that FLETC road. I am looking forward to the rest of this course with vigor! (Yeah, and pigs can fly…)

So anyway, today we had some more fun with non-lethal techniques, in which we learned the initial moves for some ground fighting. I think it is one of the few days that I didn’t go home with more than a few bruises. However, I did manage to toss Jen headfirst into the mat and she tried to make me feel guilty all day by complaining about her headache. Ooopsie.

Of course, she returned the favor (sort of) by doing one of the drops completely wrong and landing me right between her legs – a move I wasn’t quite prepared for! I mean, I’ve been calling here my “little spoon” all this time (I’M the big spoon), but I didn’t really think we’d get to public displays of affection so quickly… oooh-wee baby!

I will point out that I wasn’t as tough as some of the other students in our class today. One of the guys took our Radi today, by smashing him into the ground and throwing out his back. We had to clear the room and let all the health unit personnel go inside with all their equipment. A bit of an adrenaline rush, but Radi was walking again within twenty minutes. We were worried for a moment there because the other half of our class has thus far made two guys pass out, cracked one guy’s ribs, and sent another to the hospital. We didn’t want to be compared to the likes of them by having a major injury ourselves. Thankfully, Radi is the picture of health and was able to join us again in our firearms class.

Firearms was interesting today, to say the least. Now our targets actually look like real people and we are practicing behind different types of cover – barrels, cars, wooden scrims…so on and so forth. Next time we do this line of fire, those targets are going to be our instructors and they are going to try to riddle us with paintballs. This should prove to be rather amusing, if not intimidating.

After lunch today we had a rousing class of Questioned Documents (don’t ask; I don’t know what that means either), quickly followed by another round of 4th Amendment. The good news is that we have now completed our entire course on 4th amendment. The bad news is that we have our second legal exam tomorrow. Um, yeah. So now I’m supposed to be studying but I haven’t quite motivated myself into doing that yet. I promise I’ll get there.

Class ended at 4:30PM and then I got to run off to the PTD building (physical training division), where I donned my pretty blue PT uniform (they’re part of the smurf suit ensemble) and played in the weight room with Jen, Jonathan and George. It has been much too long since I last tried to get into a gym. Not that I really enjoy it, but anything that gets me out of this cement prison they like to call a dorm room makes me happy. It was actually quite nice to go out and play with my classmates. I gave them all the sarcasm they could handle and I believe they cracked a few smiles (or something). It’s a gift really…

So now I am back in my room after a fulfilling pasta dinner and I am trying to talk myself into studying for the exam and going to bed early. I think I’ll do that right about now. But I didn’t want to leave you guys out in the lurch again, like I did last week – for those of you who actually read this thing anyway.

Well my dear friends, lovers, comrades in arms, family members, and other assorted beings, I think I am trying to take my leave of you. But don’t you cry. I’ll be back soon enough.

For the time being, just remember that it is only 25 and counting…

I just got back last night from a wonderful and well-deserved weekend back at home in Philadelphia. FLETC has really started to wear on the nerves of the entire CITP 301 class. People are cranky, without sleep, overworked, and fed poorly (after all, cafeteria food cannot really give you all that down-home nourishment you’ve come to expect after living all those years with mommy dearest)…and so on and so forth. I am not too proud to say that I too was one of them – until this last weekend anyway.

In the meantime, this past week found us with three more practical exams – all on the driving range. I aced everything of course, and somehow I managed not to get motion sickness on the Emergency Response Driving (ERD) course. Granted, this was also the test I worried most about because you have to hit all the turns precisely at a certain point, keeping your car on the road, and going about 80-90 miles per hour (did I mention that at this point all the tires are bald???). I only missed one “apex”, which is the point of the turn you have to drive directly over, within two feet of the side of the road. But the grading is all subjective anyway. I figure if you at least finish somewhere around the required 1 minute and 45 seconds, you should just get a 100. But I didn’t. For missing an apex, I got a 95. Yay!

There was also the Non Emergency Vehicle Operation (NEVO) course, which I didn’t think I’d pass because I haven’t had to parallel park since I took driver’s education classes back in high school. However, I actually lost points on backing down a narrow, windy “alley” (i.e. a group of cones that you painfully pretend is a narrow, windy alley). And the kicker? NEVO is actually timed…can someone explain to me why something with “non-emergency” in the name is TIMED???? Hmmmmm…

Well, whatever, I managed a 90 and moved on. 71 and a gun, baby…

The other course was the Skid course, which I think is impossible to fail. You just drive around on a wet track in circles until the instructor remote controls your car into a skid. You simply correct the skid and move on. This goes on for something like 20 minutes, and then you get a 100. End of story.

So that was the most exciting part of last week for ya. Your good friend (lover/child) Ryan is now permitted to take her ERD and NEVO and Skid out into the real world! Watch out!

Last week we also had a run through of our Arrest Warrant P.E., which I am glad to point out was a definite PRACTICE. During our second attempt at getting things right, I was in charge of a suspect who actually ran away… it’s a long story to say the least, but I will notify you all now that I simply had no clue as to what I was doing. The instructors kept looking at me as if this Rambo cop-crap actually comes naturally to people. Ha! That couldn’t be further from the truth.

But in any case, it certainly taught us a good deal about the proper way to conduct an Arrest Warrant and how to treat all the people we encounter when serving one. I now know how to conduct a compliant search of a person! Yay, just what you all were hoping to hear….

On top of that, we had to drive our suspects to the “jail” and book them. Yes, we took fingerprints and everything. It’s all very exciting stuff, I swear. And if I hadn’t just started week 7 down here in the bowels of hell, I’d say that this is about the most interesting learning environment I’ve ever come across.

Let’s see, last week also found us in a physical evidence lab, which is when you’re working as a team at a crime scene, trying to find all sorts of evidence to use in a case against your suspect. I believe my group did an excellent job in the time allotted to us: I was in charge of all the sketches and searching about 1/3 of the room. Then we had to note where all the evidence was found and so on and so forth. Good times…. Proudly I can say that we only missed one or two items in the room, and that was mostly because of time constraints.

Last Thursday was my friend and fellow Scorpio’s birthday. Sacha turned 29 and we all celebrated by making him walk to the G-Bar so we could buy pitchers of beer and, well, complain about still being at FLETC after six weeks (after all, last week it WAS week six). Of course, to warm things up, as soon as our interviewing lab was over, my friend Galo and I walked over to the G-Bar in our business suits and ordered a few rounds – we even treated a few of our instructors to a drink and some witty conversation. We broke for dinner (i.e. a good lining of the stomach to prepare for the coming Sacha celebration), and then returned promptly. See what you’re missing???

I think the only thing I’ve managed to leave out about last week was non-lethal techniques, which is now getting us into how we deal with non-compliant suspects. I am learning all the ins and outs of pressure points, jabs, uppercuts, and so on – basically all the same moves I learned from kicking the crap out of my older brother as a child. Seriously though, having Dan as an older brother certainly primed me for some of the moves, especially as a “suspect.” (In class we practice on one another, one partner is the officer and the other is the suspect.) There is one point at which the suspect tries to grab the officer at a high point (around the shoulders), a mid point (the waist), and then around a low point (i.e. the legs). Happily, I am the only one who managed to pick off my officer 3 out of 3 times. As I was partnered with one of the guys in my class, he has had no relief from the laughter and joking associated with getting your butt kicked by a girl. It amuses me greatly. In fact, they have even donned him a nickname: Out of Role. You see, when one of the role players is hurt, or some of your protective gear falls off (such as a face mask in simunitions), or your gun malfunctions, you call “out of role!” and the scenario stops. So, since I kicked John’s tushie, they now call him Out of Role. How humiliating…for him.

So that was my last week. Tiring, and still fulfilling in a small way. At the very least, it’s another week down. That is one less week I have to be here at FLETC. And that makes Ryan a very happy girl…

Almost as happy as she was this past weekend in Philadelphia. Sorry to all of you who actually live there and did not see me – I thought it best and most restful to spend time with my Vincent…I will be back around the area come December and should be able to find time for all of you then….

In any case, I got my fill of Geno’s cheesesteaks and cheese fries, with a birch beer to boot! And then I had my Campus Epicurean and my Mr. Martino’s…. by the way Catherine, I want you to know that Vincent finally fulfilled his promise of buying me some leather pants – it’s your turn!

Mostly I just relaxed. Vincent was great about that and made everything so easy and convenient. I was able to bathe for hours and I even got a massage! Who knows what sorts of wonderful things that boy will come up with next???

So now I am all sorts of happy and snug as a bug in a rug. This is the most relaxed I’ve felt since my first week here at FLETC. I am sure that a few more days of class will certainly fix that, but I still have Thanksgiving to look forward to… Mmmmm, turkey…

Okay, so, well, I’m running out of steam. 25 days and counting…

I am only writing to warn you all about the movie, I Spy. It is the worst piece of crap I’ve ever had the pleasure of forking over $5 for… Even though it featured my man, Owen Wilson, I was ready and willing to walk out of the theatre. If only I hadn’t been at the movies on a date with 5 of the most readily available FLETC men…

In other news, last night’s party went rather well. Somehow I got completely inebriated on less than 1 drink per hour, and by the end of the night the wolves, I mean, FLETC men were circling in for the kill. Fortunately for me, I am 1) smarter than that, and 2) always surrounded by my happy-go-lucky DS gentlemen who swoop in to save me at the most necessary moments. My friends Galo and Dennis (representing the U.S. Forest Service – he’s also the CITP class president) made sure I made it home in one piece last night, without any violations.

I did have a wonderful time chatting with my fellow CITP-ers, especially those from the Fish and Wildlife Service. Even though it was a DS party for the two new DS classes, I was really happy they crashed and came to drink the free beer. We don’t get to see enough of these guys outside of the classroom.

So anyway, that was my two and a half cents for the day. I did nothing. I accomplished nothing. And I hate the coming of Monday so much more than the average Joe….

26 and counting, baby, yeah…

There I go again, leaving you all in the lurch for a few days (okay, okay, so maybe it was more like a week, but hey, I’m learning to be a political government employee who uses “soft” terms to lessen the blow) – I do so hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And to those of you who are heartless (you know who you are), blegh on you!!!

So anyway, it has been a fun-filled few days. I finally re-qualified this week, and although a 210 goes down on my permanent record (b/c they feel that if you fail the first time, you get more time on the range and may have an unfair advantage), we like to call that “71 and a gun.” That means that anything over a passing grade still gets you a job. (All of our written exams must exceed a grade of 70 to be considered passing.)

So that was the first order of business for the week. A new practical they introduced this week is the fun-filled adventures of serving a search warrant and building entry. We all get to go into an unknown house in teams of 8 and “clear” it. Let me tell you that it is pretty terrifying to be the first one into a house where there may or may not be someone armed and looking to shoot him/her some federal agents… But still we go inside. Our practical exam on this stuff is Monday morning, bright and early at 7:30AM.

During a few of our practices, a few of us even got to play suspects hidden in the homes. I want you to know that I managed to kill me two cops, and one suspect. Good times had by me. Of course, during these exercises we use blank ammunition so nobody really gets hurt and we all learn what not to do. It’s only in simunitions that we use bullets that spew out colored paint when they hit your padding (yes, we go in in full padded suits, with a full helmet).

In any case, the good news that comes out of search warrants is that it is highly unlikely that I will ever be doing any of this during my tenure as a Special Agent for the State Department. Let me take the time now to emphasize that it is only by act of Congress that we are down here at FLETC at all. They deem that all 1811’s (which I believe breaks down to mean any federal employee that is required to carry a gun) must go through this CITP training program here at FLETC.

That being said, I will move on…

On Tuesday the “A” group (i.e. half of our CITP class) encountered our first P.E. (which is “practical exam”). We had to display our prowess in non-lethal control techniques, which basically translates into handcuffing a compliant, but obnoxious, suspect. I want you to know that I have excellent verbal skills, a professional manner, and was the only girl that removed the woman’s toe rings. Yay! 71 and a gun, baby…

So my suspect was dressed up like a ho’ – Andrew, I know you like that – including a corset. Corsets suck. We basically have to violate the role players to get all the “weapons” and “contraband” and “means of escape” we can, but when a woman is wearing a corset, that gets about ten times harder. The boning hides a lot of things…

But whatever, I came, I saw, I conquered. And if any of you want to test my prowess, me and my cuffs will be up in the DC area in December.

The big thing this week was our surveillance. I was the team leader so that made my life miserable. The Op Plan alone took about 6 hours to complete, and I didn’t have any information to start it with until the night before the surveillance. So I got a whole lot of sleep the night before, I swear.

In any case, the surveillance went down on Thursday, from 12:30PM through 11:30PM. What a royal pain in the buttocks. We were so exhausted by the end of it, we could barely move. However, I will categorically say that we all had a great time! And it’s a lot more difficult than it looks on t.v.! You have to get so close to the subject that you can read the newspaper article he/she is reading. It’s simply amazing. We did pretty well for our first time working together as a group, but I, being the perfectionist that I am, wish we did better. The best thing about our operation was that we didn’t once lose the subject. There was always someone on him/her (we did two surveillances: one for a practice, and then a second one for our continuing case investigation).

But let me say that you’ve never truly had fun until you get to chase someone all over the place, sprinting from your car with a camera every time that person gets out of their vehicle, and to top it all off, getting hit on by some random person when you’re on a surveillance! Yes, your friendly neighborhood federal agent, Ryan, got a number while checking out the Brunswick jetport! See how well I fit in???

So, the surveillance about pooped us all out for our Friday classes. I couldn’t even tell you anything about the day other than the fact that I survived it. Somehow.

That evening Brian, Galo and I had made plans to go out to the local Walmart (a.k.a. Wallyworld) and we were all sitting around in their connected cells. Next thing we know, I’m opening my eyes and the clock reads 7:30PM. We just completely passed out.

I still got to Walmart (thank you Galo!), but I was back in bed by 9:00PM. Good times, baby.

Today was a bit of fun too! You should all know that we have three different driving tests we have to pass: Non-Emergency Vehicle Operation (NEVO), Emergency Response Driving (ERD), and Skids. This morning I practiced NEVO and Skids. I am the 360 degree skid QUEEN. And don’t you forget it! I was the only one who managed a full circle skid, and if you ever get the opportunity to play in someone else’s car, I highly suggest you try it!!! I had a blast in that car this morning…the only thing that really stinks is the left-hand parallel parking you have to do in the NEVO course.

And that’s my story. I have to run off and check on my laundry today. I am trying to get a few things done before the party we’re hosting at the G-Bar tonight. Two more DS classes came in this past week and a half and we’re trying to welcome them to the wonderful world of FLETC. (By the way, Mel, guess who is here in the last DS class??? Vanessa Freeman…from Model UN. It’s a small, small world)

Okay, well, that’s it for me…I hear the Tide and Bounce calling my name….

Lots of love, with a reminder that it is 27 days and counting...