My thoughts on Daybreakers

This is definitely one of those times when RottenTomatoes.com totally gets it wrong: Daybreakers doesn't even come close to a 65% passing rate.  I don't even know where to start picking it apart.  Perhaps it was the use of cutesy yet totally pointless CGI shots, like one of the opening scenes where you see Ethan Hawke in a mirror, but the only thing reflected is his outfit as it moves with his body.  The director was just saying - look, see, Ethan Hawke is a vampire; notice how he has no reflection in a mirror!  My response: No kidding, jackass.  I already knew this was a vampire movie.

And it's things like that that also detracted from the movie as a vampire myth.  They didn't bother taking the idea of vampires and making it their own.  These are vampires who make no reflection in mirrors and can be killed with stakes.  Although nothing was said about an aversion to garlic or crosses or holy water, I could almost feel the screenwriters trying to think of a place to throw them in.

But wandering into cliche territory is a pretty small blip on my awfulness radar.  The idea behind the movie is pretty good - that there was some kind of outbreak 10 years ago that infected a few humans and turned them into vampires, who then proceeded to feed on the human population, killing some and turning others into vampires, to the point that now most of the population is comprised of vampires.  There are so few humans left that the vampires are starting to starve and, as their supply of blood grows less and less, the vampires begin to lose their humanity and turn into grotesque monsters that feed on themselves and other vampires.  If the vampire world continued in this way, vampires would soon become a thing of the past.

Two solutions are put forward: 1) mining humans.  A vampire army has been erected to ferret out the remaining humans on earth, but this plan is not entirely feasible, as the supply of humans is dwindling.  2) Create a blood replacement.  This is where Ethan Hawke's character comes in.  He is a "vegetarian" hematologist who is working on a substitute for human blood.  He had been tricked into becoming a vampire and feels disgusted by many vampires' predilection for human blood so he is earnest about finding a workable human blood substitute.

When Ethan Hawke's character gets mixed up with some of the surviving humans, things really start going to hell because Hawke both mixes with the "enemy" and stumbles on a cure for vampirism, instead of a simple blood substitute.  Then it becomes a story about whether all vampires will take this option or insist that a blood substitute be found, despite the desperate lack of a blood supply.  That is the story I wanted to see, but done well.

Unfortunately for me, it was NOT done well.  The script was bad, the acting was mediocre (but I blame that mostly on the script; there are only so many haunted gazes Hawke can throw at the camera before we stop caring, and only so many one-sided personalities that can be played up by any actor of any caliber), reasons for character growth and transformation largely left out of the picture, and, for no reason at all, the movie ends with a complete and utter bloodbath that is so out of context and so gory that it is rendered ridiculous.

Here are a few more detailed nitpicky comments:

• Normal vampires in the movie, once touched by the sun, spontaneously combust within seconds.  Ethan Hawke, on the other hand, can stand the touch of the sun for about a minute at a time, while he works out the cure to vampirism.  Hello, consistency, where have you gone and why have you forsaken this movie?
• A convoy of vehicles carrying a new group of humans to a safe haven is driving at night.  (I already have a problem with this - if you'd survived 10 years after the vampirism outbreak, wouldn't you have learned that it is safest to drive during daylight hours, when vampires cannot get to you as easily?)  The lead car's front tire blows out.  So, obviously, EVERYONE in the convoy must exit their vehicle and start looking around the dark landscape for the source of the tire blowout.  After a few minutes, one of the drivers notices that the tire deflated because of an arrow shot into it.  This is moments before the entire convoy is decimated by the vampire army.  Here's a few things to remember, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation: 1) travel during the day.  A very sunny day.  Vampires don't like that.  2) You can still drive your car on a rim.  Keep effin' driving.  3) If the lead car, for whatever reason, cannot go on, the passengers quickly depart and get into one of the other vehicles.  The convoy then drives around the lead car and keeps moving.  4) Have I mentioned this yet? - KEEP EFFIN' DRIVING.
• Hawke's character has a brother in the movie who is a thoroughly indoctrinated member of the vampire army.  When he decides (for no reason, really - his character up to this point has show no signs of remorse) to sacrifice himself to save his brother, he yells to his brother, "RUN!"  So, of course, Ethan Hawke just stands there gaping like an idiot while an entire army platoon literally rips his brother apart.  There are even shots of the starved army vampires chewing on major organs, like his small intestine or something.  Many, many issues with this scene:
• If your life is in danger, and someone yells "RUN!" don't keep standing there like an a-hole.  RUN, DAMMIT.
• Vampires survive on the blood of humans, NOT on eating the organs of humans or ripping their heads off.  Nice try, novices.
• The human commando/bad-ass, played by Willem Dafoe, magically appears just in time to kill the one vampire that is about to kill Ethan Hawke (incidentally, the only vampire left alive after the bloodbath that is almost too difficult to describe to you here).  This is really, truly out of place.  About ten minutes earlier, the brother had driven Dafoe's car into a building to try and save Hawkes' character, and Dafoe was nowhere to be seen.  So either Dafoe staid in the car and watched as everyone got killed (which plays against character) or the brother didn't offer Dafoe a ride and he walked there.  Preposterous.

And that is only a mere glimpse of all the badness that happens in this movie.  It really should have been better.  And Rotten Tomatoes really should get its head out of its butt.  65% passing?  Not even close.

My final word: When it finally comes out on Blu-ray and DVD (which, judging from the dismal box office sales and total lack of word-of-mouth about this film will be in the next few weeks, and done quietly), don't even bother then.  Your $5 at Blockbuster could be so much better spent.

New hair, new me

If you ever find yourself in southern Arizona, have I found the hairdresser for you!  His name is Joseph and he works at the Salon at the Tubac Golf Resort.  But don't try to find him using your Garmin GPS - because my Garmin doesn't believe that Tubac, AZ, exists (only Tuba City, AZ, which is a good 50 miles away)...

In any case, he is just simply wonderful.  He actually listens to what you want done to your hair and doesn't push his own hair agenda on you.  Even better - the prices are reasonable.  After living in major U.S. cities for a long time, I've come to accept that I cannot get a decent haircut for less than $70 (before tip).  And even then, a hairdresser may not listen to a damn thing I say and I come out looking like a poodle or a newscaster, two looks I am trying to avoid.  In any case, at the Salon, a shampoo, cut, and dry costs from $40-50; for me it was $45.  And I really like what he's done to my hair.  I can live with that.

It's an Aveda salon so all the products used are Aveda, which is a brand that strives to use a lot of organic ingredients so many of you might be happy with that.

Now, I know you might want me to post a picture of my hair, but I'm going to hold off.  I'm happy with what it looks like, but I'm waiting until I get it where I want it.  We still have some growing to do before I can get it where it needs to be.  I just wish I could have Joseph take care of my hair again in the future.  Too bad I leave for DC in 3 weeks.

(Maybe I'll just fly back for the cut...?)

Whiling away (too much of) my time at the border

Yesterday I traveled in to Tucson to pick Anthony up at the airport.  The idea was that I would leave Mexico early so I could drop some paperwork off for State at Fedex and then sit in a cafe or the public library to read while waiting for Anthony's plane to land.  Of course, this being Mexico, that is the exact opposite of what happened.

The border is 2 or 3 miles away from where we live.  I got in the car around 10:15AM.  Since Bubba has still not been SENTRIfied (i.e. the process by which money exchanges hands between us and Border Patrol so Bubba can use the express lane at the border), I got into one of the plebian lines for border crossing.  I was .3 miles from the border.  And I didn't actually cross the border until 1PM, almost THREE HOURS LATER. 

Moreover, that was 10 minutes after I was supposed to be at the airport to pick Anthony up and I still had about an hour drive ahead of me.

In no way did I give up on my objective, of course.  Like a rabid dog with a steak, I kept at it.  I had Anthony take a cab to a restaurant near the University of Arizona campus (after all, I still haven't found a bus that helps commuters between Nogales and Tucson) and I drove at 77mph all the way there (I-19 has a speed limit of 75mph - lucky me).  At 2:15PM, I skid into a parking space, the gas tank light on and screaming "E!" at me, and proceeded to melt into the fetal position on one of the cafe chairs.  I was only roused by the consumption of a beer and a slice of pizza.

And I shook my mental fist at the Mexican border all the way back to Nogales where, mercifully, I wasn't stopped for a random check on the way into Mexico.

Damn you, Mexico, and all your security measures.

Southern saying of the day

This one is for you, Estee (and no, I'm not calling you a thief).

Thief
He's as low as a snake in a wagon track.

Now feel free to use this saying whenever you're making fun of politicians or lawyers (sorry Estee, couldn't resist!)

Hugs n' cuddles,
Ryan

Southern saying of the day

This one is a classic...

When you are determined to get something done, you might say:
I'll do it come hell or high water.

Sounds like my drive towards employment over the last few years. 

My thoughts on Sherlock Holmes

Having not lived in the U.S. for a while, I don't hear many reviews of the latest Hollywood releases.  Since I spent the Christmas and New Year's holidays in California, however, I did get some feedback on Guy Ritchie's latest caper/adventure flick, Sherlock Holmes.

One viewer described his disappointment that Ritchie insisted on using technology in the film that clearly wasn't available in the 1800s.  I thought that interesting, as I would think that the biggest complaint of the film would be how loosely based on the works of Arthur Conan Doyle it would prove to be.  (Might I also add that I find it interesting that the Conan Doyle family keeps extending the copyright on Sir Arthur's work?  Because the 70 years after an author's death just isn't enough time to keep the royalty checks rolling in...)

Regardless, I went to see it. 

Here are a few of my initial thoughts about the movie:

• This is hands-down the best role I have ever seen Jude Law choose.  He is not one of my favorite actors, but he is a gifted actor, and the role of Watson clearly displayed his talent.
• I still love Robert Downey Jr.  Not in the "wanna marry him" way, but in the "he is SUCH a great actor" kind of way.  Thank goodness he's off the drugs (again).
• Guy Ritchie knows how to make a stylistically superior film.  The texture of all the sets and cinematography and costumes - just beautiful.

Unfortunately, all that being said, I had a lukewarm response to the picture.  Not good, not bad.  I liked it, but will not be forever changed by the experience.  Moreover, I have a few nitpicky issues about it (warning: plot spoilers ahead):

• When Rachel McAddams' character, Irene Adler, falls off the unfinished suspension bridge, the viewer will easily assume that she is a goner.  However, she is completely fine - nary a scratch - and there is ZERO explanation of how she can fall hundreds of feet and land on a pier without injury.
• When Holmes places the handcuffs on Adler after the aforementioned fall off a bridge, should it be assumed that he is going to send her to jail?  Holmes just walks away and we neither see nor hear anything about Adler thereafter.
• The members of the secret society that researches and dabbles in black magic supposedly drink a potion that will immunize them to the effects of cyanide in gas form.  Is that even possible?
• Perhaps most annoying is the device that so many filmmakers use today: not cleanly closing the film, leaving it wide open for a sequel.  This movie closes with Holmes re-opening the case, when he realizes that the man who has been blackmailing Irene Adler is still at-large and has stolen a piece of a newly created chemical weapon.  I find it very irritating to finish a film and find no closure in it.

So take my comments for what they are worth (generally, next to nothing; after all, it was nominated for several Golden Globes, one of which was taken home by the very able, and very talented, Robert Downey Jr. for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy). 

My final word: Sure, absolutely see this movie.  Despite it's flaws (in my humble opinion), you will be entertained and dazzled by the on-screen chemistry between the title characters, the talented acting, Ritchie's stylization, and the happy banter so necessary to a successful (if a bit fluffy) caper/adventure film.

Living on the border is tough

After the trials and tribulations of border crossing on Saturday, yesterday I decided to tempt fate and cross the border, not once, but twice.

First, in the morning, I had decided I was going to take Grace and Maggie hiking in Madera Canyon.  On Saturday night, I researched the available trails and picked a moderate one, known for it's good views.  I also picked one that was under 6 miles so the girls wouldn't die on me.

I left the house around 9:30AM - it would have been earlier, had the electricity not gone out the night before, leaving me awake most of the night, paralyzed with the fear that someone would break into the house while the fortifications were weak (which is completely untrue - the fortifications remain the same whether we have electricity or not; it's my ability to call for help that is severely disabled without electricity).  Irrational, I know, but nonetheless, I had a pretty sleepless night and my hopes for departing earlier were dashed. 

So, as I was saying, I left the house around 9:30AM.  We still don't have the physical tags for the Jeep, but it is completely insured in both the U.S. and Mexico, and we have the temporary license plastered across the back window.  We also haven't had the tags long enough yet to make an appointment with Border Patrol to SENTRIfy Bubba.  (SENTRIfy = the process by which we give BP money and they allow us to use the express lane with Bubba for frequent border crossing; each person and vehicle have separate SENTRI certifications.) 

What this all means is that I got to the border around 9:45AM and sat in line to cross for over an hour.  And then, when I got near to the Border Patrol agent, I realized that I COULD NOT FIND MY PASSPORT.

Can I tell you something, folks?  And I mean it: never, ever, never try to cross the Mexican border into the U.S. without your passport.  It's just stupid.

Meanwhile...so, I start to panic about not finding my passport, but I think I can use my SENTRI card for ID, along with anything else with my picture on it in the car.  The BP agents, as is their wont, proceed to give me a hard time.  I'm showing them my SENTRI card, my drivers license, a photocopy of said passport, the registration for the car, the insurance papers for the car...shit, I'm offering to gift them Maggie. 

I even tell them my whole sob story about being affiliated with the U.S. Consulate in Nogales, but without having the official paperwork to back my story up, they thought I was full of it.  So my story about Bubba just arriving from Lima, Peru, just wasn't jiving.

Then, of course, their radar is raised by the fact that they can't see the freakin' temporary tag in the back (plastic, might I add, and really quite filthy) window.  So they write down the vehicle's VIN number. 

And just as their hard-ass stares are beginning to relax a bit, they ask me for Grace and Maggie's vaccination records.  Are you kidding me??? 

I have never once - NOT ONCE - been asked for their vaccination records while crossing the border with Anthony (Mr. Man with the diplomatic passport, the official credentials and a gun).  Oh no.  They wait until I'm having a really hard time crossing and then clobber me with them.

Lucky for me, they told me to bring them next time and let me through.  What a severe pain in the tush.

So, we then start driving for Madera Canyon.  For whatever reason, I thought it was much, much closer to Nogales.  I drive and drive and drive up I-19, the main interstate that connects us at the border to Tucson, and realize that I am not seeing the signs.  I drive for 45 minutes, before I pull off the highway and go consult my directions again (I would have used the GPS system, but it was in the console, which I conveniently could not get open).  Of course, I had passed the exit 3 exits back.

So we back-track a bit and find the right exit.  Then it's another 20 miles or so east, toward the Santa Rita mountains.

We arrive at the first parking lot for Madera Canyon and I inquire about a yearly parking permit at the Visitor Center.  The very kind gentleman gently informs me that the pass can not be bought there that day because the location for sales is up the road above parking lot C, which, due to the snow in the mountains, had been closed.  He also told me that all the parking lots were full anyway.

So I drive by all the parking lots (because the nice man *had* to be lying, right?) and, sadly for me, all the parking spaces are indeed full.  Sadder yet, there are really only a handful of parking spaces anyway.

It is now 12:30PM and the kids and I have now spent 3 hours trying to go on a hike.  I see a dirt road just beyond the visitor center and I take it - we drive a few miles into what the park ranger described as "back country" and park Bubba.  We wander around for about an hour or so, taking in the scenery: the beautiful Santa Ritas, the vast dessert beyond, and the free-range cows that litter the landscape.  Seriously: free-range cows.

The Santa Rita mountains, with their fresh snow.

That's right, Anthony - I totally snagged your Cubs cap.

The girls were almost impossible to control when they heard the cows mooing.

One of the aforementioned free-range cows.

Desert and lakes beyond

So after all this awesomeness (i.e. wrangling two over-excited mutts for over an hour), we drove back to Nogales.  All told, a semi-successful, 6-hour trip.

I rewarded myself with a shower and a movie.