Today while I was navigating Friendster, I got one of those forwards nobody likes to get but we all fill out when we’re bored, so I thought I’d share my responses with you (whether you want it or not):

1. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
McLean

2. WHAT KIND OF PANTS ARE YOU WEARING AND WHAT COLOR?
Camel-colored corderoys with rivets running down the side; they're Vincent's favorite because he likes the way they hug my tushie...

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Vincent ripping every last one of our CDs into MP3s. He has to listen to each song individually to make sure there are no skips. During Depeche Mode week I wanted to kill myself...

4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
What the f&#$? If you loved me, you'd already know.

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Leftover Halloween candy. A Snickers Cruncher bar.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Today, pink.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
Completely uninspiring. And today was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life...

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
One of the most beautiful people I know, my friend Starr. Either that or this pregnant lady (two weeks til due date) I made cry yesterday when I told her she had committed a felony when she committed passport fraud. I don't remember which.

9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Face. And if they're arrogant.

10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Katy should be ashamed.

11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Depressed. Who the heck asked for daylight savings time so we could all get out of work at the onset of darkness??!

12. FAVORITE DRINK?
Water and cammomile tea.

13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
I like my men like I like my alcohol: sweet and intoxicating. Therefore, Baileys on the rocks.

14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
In my fantasy-land, or in real life? Because I really think rock-climbing is the sport for me; I just haven't climbed a cliff yet (not the way you're supposed to anyway). In real life, I've dabbled in track & field, soccer, tae kwon do, hiking, volleyball... You name it, I've tried it. And just for the record, if we're playing football, two-hand touch is for weenies.

15. HAIR COLOR?
Brown.

16. EYE COLOR?
My dad says I'm so full of crap my eyes turned brown. But this also comes from the man who claims I have the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen...

17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Um, not if I want to see.

18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
My one and only, Dan, 26. My mom also has two mutts she tells everyone are my sisters.

19. FAVORITE MONTH?
September/October - when the leaves are changing and the weather is rather consistent.

20. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anything my mom cooks. Nepalese / German / Irish / Italian fare. My own cooking. Vegetables. Fruits. Starches. I ABHOR fast food.

21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
In the theatre: Under the Tuscan Sun, Lost in Translation and Kill Bill are amongst the latest. Tonight I am going to see Matrix: Revolutions.

Rental: Adaptation, 8 Women

Sundance Film Channel: Spin the Bottle, Bartleby

I recommend all three I saw in the theatre and NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING I rented or TIVOed.

22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Thanksgiving, by far. Who isn't a fan of a holiday devoted entirely to eating too much, unbuttoning your pants, and watching your family wash the dishes as you slowly pass out...?

23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Thus far, I've asked out most of my men. Many people look at me like I've lost my marbles, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, folks.

24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Neither. I like depressing endings that are true to life and lend some sort of life lesson. But if I have to choose, I would go for happy endings as I don't take to being frightened very well. I was always scared of the dark as a child.

25. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Yes.

26. HUGS OR KISSES?
Big, old, snuggly hugs.

28. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Chocolate, but that's only because I hate vanilla even more than I hate chocolate.

29. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITEBACK?
Yes, but the real question is, WILL THEY? (Reminder to all, I have a gun and I know where you live... )

30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Whoever is most bored at the moment. Like me right now.

31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
People who have a life.

32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Harry Potter.

33. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER/DESKTOP?
An orangish black abstract of a sky, I believe.

34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Scrabble. Or Clue. Maybe even Life.

35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Staid out late at work for something called Crim Night. Which basically means that we all stay up to midnight, scouring around the slumiest neighborhoods in New York, looking for some poor schmucks who lied on their passport applications. Really, it doesn't get any better than this...

36. FAVORITE SMELL
The hint of Autumn on the wind. A crackling fire. Hot apple cider. Laundry vents. Chlorinated swimming pools. Baby powder. Thanksgiving.

37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Chi-chi, you're a 23-pound cat and you're not starving so shut the fah-zuck up!!!

I had the talk. You know, the “TALK.” I told my supervisor I plan on leaving DS. The good news? He took it well – better than I ever expected. He told me to go ahead and keep working in the New York office for the salary and benefits, and if I need to go to an interview, just let him know. He gave me that whole, “You need to do what makes you happy” speech. Well, he actually sounded more like Vincent when he said to me, “A job is just something you do for money. You put in your hours and you go home. When the job starts taking away from your life at home, then maybe you need to consider changing careers.” So that was that. I am still working at DS, but I am actively seeking other employment. Now if I could only find the time to send out that pesky resume…

In other news, I spent two weekends away from home since last I wrote. I’ve been to Philadelphia and the Poconos. Philly was an action-packed adventure, as always, with my lovely Corinne, Jimmy and Tom making sure there was never a dull moment! I saw dentists and doctors, tailors and sushi chefs, bartenders and hangovers, Sabrina’s and Bump, one senator and gay boys galore… It was an eventful three days and I was sorry to see it pass. I miss my Philly trio already!!!

As for the Poconos, it was a quiet time at the Balloon Festival in Shawnee. I got to see about twenty hot air balloons take off into the clear blue skies, and was even invited to join a balloon rescue team (which basically takes their van and chases down their balloon so they can pick the occupants up when the thing floats out of the sky). I ate sinfully delicious home-cooked meals cooked by our friend Marty at our favorite B&B, The Brookview Manor, and tracked down a god-awful flea market. And as per usual, I grabbed my Vincent and dragged him out into the woods, where I forced him on a half-day march to a hidden waterfall in the woods behind the B&B. It was wonderful.

Of course, my pleasantries were cut short when I realized I had to be in Burlington, New Jersey for training at Fort Dix on Sunday night. I have just returned from four days of shooting paper targets with both simunition rounds and hollow point bullets. I even requalified on my pistol. What joy. Watch me do somersaults and flips. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee…..

So, there you are. A relatively short blurb on me and my life.

Today was a nice day. Vincent and I played hookey to go see a live viewing of The View, some sort of pro-woman talk show that I’ve never seen before. Today’s guests were Darryl Hannah and Kevin Bacon. What got me out of bed this morning was the prospect of seeing Quentin Tarantino, but he failed to show at the last minute and Darryl stood in for him instead. However, I was rewarded kindly for my loss, and the show gave me a free copy of the deluxe edition of The Lion King DVD, which just came out today. There is nothing like an unexpected gift to bring on a smile.

Then I got to buy a new leather purse as my lovely kitty, Daisy, peed all over my Ralph Lauren bag two nights ago. That just goes to show you that Ryan really shouldn’t buy expensive, name-brand things. Oh, how I will miss it!

Today I also decided that I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. Vincent and I have decided to definitely stay here at least until our lease runs out on the apartment (February 2005), so don’t start freaking out, Starr! But there are many things that I don’t like about this city. For one, there are too many choices. I know that a lot of people are thinking, what in the h-e-double hockey sticks is Ryan talking about?!!?! But seriously, think about it. No restaurant really lasts here so by the time you find some place you like, it’s already boarding up it’s doors and closing shop. I don’t really have the time to research every new restaurant, Broadway show, and nightclub. And then, because everything is so expensive here, I don’t want to end up wasting my money on something that is sub-par only to find out later that there was something incredible that I missed! I always feel out of the loop here.

And then there’s the issue of driving. New York drivers are far and away the WORST drivers on the planet! They are constantly breaking as if it’s going out of style! I am convinced that if there was one New York driver on a lonely stretch of road, they would still be slamming on their breaks out of habit.

The cabbies here also have this annoying habit of riding over two lanes so they can decide at any time to take one or the other. Which is great for them, but really sucky for the likes of me who is simply trying to pass the little bugger!

And don’t even get me started on the gypsy cabs!

Of course, there’s always the pedestrians. I honestly think they need to time each light to have three settings: one light turns green for one direction of traffic, then one light turns green for another lane of traffic, and finally one white walk sign lights up for the pedestrians while all traffic stops. This way, if you find a pedestrian crossing on the red “Do Not Walk” sign, you are completely free to run them down like the annoying little mucus-eaters they are! As a driver, I HATE pedestrians!!! (Amusingly enough, my ONE key ring says, “So many pedestrians, so little time!” – and this was given to me by my dear friend Joanna in high school, shortly after I got my license.)

When you get to my neighborhood, there’s also the problem of finding somewhere to shop. If I wanted to dress like an overcharged hoochie or eat at McDonalds, then this would be the place to be. As I do not, the only stores I frequent are CVS and the Thayer Cleaners (dry cleaning) – they actually have excellent service and offer me something I need. The people in these shops even remember my name… it’s a beautiful thing. In our neighborhood, I also like the little diner called “Restaurant” that is located right down the street from our apartment. I get my traditional weekend breakfast there for a damn decent price.

For everything else, I must venture downtown. And that takes forever. Despite the fact that we live a half block from the A Express Train (which, if you’re not a New Yorker and need some explaining, is an incredibly GOOD thing), it still takes about an hour to get anywhere in town. Of course, there is always the car, but I’ve already mentioned my driving woes – to which you can add car accidents, construction crews, and the astronomical price of parking garages.

So there you have it: all the reasons why Ryan hates New York. And why, you ask, does Ryan love New York?

Since you asked, I will tell you. I love New York because I live in a 3-bedroom, 2-bath apartment in the most exciting city in the world! I can see Broadway, go shopping, take in a concert, eat out – and never do anything twice! The world is at my fingertips. It is simply amazing.

We are also closer now to our friends Mark and Toni, Starr and Kathryn, Dara and Mark… and after being away from them so long, it is a wonderful thing to make plans for an evening that don’t have to include a birthday or major holiday…

Oh crappola, I lost my train of thought – Vince came in with today’s mail and I couldn’t resist going through everything! I noticed that none of you sent me a letter today…

In the past few weeks I’ve stored up a lot of memories that I need to get out before I forget all about them! You see, I find as I’m aging I am showing signs of growing up to be like my mother insofar as I seem to be losing my mind… and by that I mean that my short and long term memory seems to be failing me more than it used to. There are hints of a moment in time and trails of thought that lead nowhere. So consider this Blog preservation for posterity’s sake!

Well, I met the Dalai Lama a couple weeks ago. And I have a story. Right before the U.N. General Assembly and all that chaos was to begin, the Dalai Lama was in town, giving his teachings and making his visits. His protective detail was orchestrated by none other than the U.S. Department of State Diplomatic Security Service (say that three times fast!). So, when he toured in New York City, they called on some of us schmucks to help pre-post some of the bigger events. Pre-posting is just what it sounds like: before an event, you post a site with people to control crowds and keep everything in check. Well, one day I was pre-posting at the lecture series at the Beacon Theatre. Myself and four other guys were sent to post the lunch site (which happened to just be upstairs in the Beacon Hotel) – lucky for me, I was put in charge of the schedule and post assignments (bet the boys loved that one!!!). In any case, there were four posts: 1. downstairs at the elevator bank, 2. upstairs by the elevator bank, 3. upstairs by the food preparation room, and 4. upstairs by the Lama’s room. At the point that the DL was coming upstairs to eat, I was talking with the guy upstairs by the elevator bank. Well, to get to his room the DL would have to exit the elevators to the left, take a left, followed by another left and continue down the hallway to his room. At the first left, you can also go right and there are three more rooms down that hallway. So Simon (one of my guys) stood right at that turn in the center of the hallway, essentially blocking anyone’s path in that direction. His back was to the elevators. I stood right at his back, against the wall and facing the elevators. When the Dalai Lama got off the elevator, there were two men in his party who walked out before him. Both of them got out of the elevator and turned left. Well, the DL stepped out, locked eyes with me, and instead of turning left and following his colleagues, he turned right into Simon! Needless to say, Simon was a bit surprised, having not seen that one coming at all. And I had to stifle a smile as I extended my arm in the other direction and said, “This way, your holiness.” Well, the DL wasn’t even remotely flustered and he grabbed my arm in a gentle death grip kind of way and just grinned.

After we saw him safely to his room, we decided that flesh on flesh contact with the DL was good enough for a blessing of five years, while flesh to cloth contact was only good for about two. So far, I was ahead.

When the Lama came out of his room to return to the Theatre, he did it again! First he stopped and spoke to these two random women who somehow got rooms on the same floor – one of them burst into tears as soon as he touched her! (I swear, the Dalai Lama is like a rock star in that way!) Then I was standing there again, pointing him in the right direction and he grabbed my arm and just held it for a moment, staring into my eyes and smiling. So, according to my and Simon’s theory, I’m good for another 10 years or so! Next thing you know, I’ll be blessing YOU guys!!!

So enough of that foolishness. You can now officially say that your friend/child/random acquaintance/lover Ryan is a totally ridiculous personality with enough randomness in her life that she jokes about the Dalai Lama.

While the Dalai Lama was in the Theatre, I called my mom. My mom and San (that’s my stepdad) had just seen the DL in Boston when he was lecturing there. So I wanted to call and let them know of my good fortune in getting stuck on his protective detail. They were awfully excited so I told them all about how I’d like to take one of the monks (there were about 50 of them on stage with the Lama at this event) home with me and keep him for the good karma. I had mentioned this to Simon and he regarded me as a total freak after that, but I knew my mom would understand (she always does – that’s what mom’s are for). There is just something about all those monks that really marks them as different, and I’m not talking about their clothes or the Birkenstocks. There’s an inner peace they just exude, especially the older ones. And the Lama tops them all. Boy, would I love to take him home!!! It would be so nice to have someone around all the time who exudes gentle kindness at all times. That must be terribly relaxing… Needless to say, anyone reading my Blog at this point couldn’t possibly understand what I’m trying to convey unless you’ve actually seen the Lama. Had I not met the Lama, I would be regarding myself as a total fruitcake right now…

On to the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA)! I can honestly say that in my lifetime, I hope to never have to do something like this again!!! It has been more than a week since my protectee left, and I still feel drained. But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I returned from my forty days with the Secretary’s Detail (another experience I hope never to relive) just in time to begin my work as an advance agent for South Korea’s Foreign Minister Yoon Young Kwan. I took one day off to go rub shoulders with “the Lama” (I often say that in my head much like you would say “the Dude” to Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski) but the rest of my time was spent scouting locations, writing site surveys, and preparing things for a detail of six people, none of which are from the New York area. Let’s just say that most of my days prior to the Foreign Minister’s arrival began early and ended very, very, VERY MUCH past my bedtime.

Well, my detail began on Sunday, September 21. FM Kwan’s plane landed and we were off! I had some excellent people on my detail, including two NYPD detectives, an ATF guy, a U.S. Marshal’s Service guy, two guys from the Miami Field Office, and our Shift Leader, a guy out of the Chicago Field Office. The only kink in our plans was the Agent-In-Charge (AIC), this guy out of the New Orleans Resident Office.

At first I thought the AIC didn’t like me, and then I realized that he actually HATED me. By the middle of the week he was telling my detail that I am incompetent and he was telling me how to put one foot in front of the other. Every time I did something, he had something critical to say. And it wasn’t in that nice, constructive criticism kind of way. It was more of “I’m right, you’re wrong, so just accept it” kind of way. By Wednesday I was ready to punch the guy every time I saw him. So we became like Clark Kent and Superman – never in the same room at the same time. If he was coming, I was going – and vice versa.

Unfortunately, the rest of my detail had to deal with him instead. He was incredibly disrespectful to my entire team and I was impressed with the professionalism my type-A personality guys were able to put forth when dealing with him.

Lucky for us, nobody outside our detail ever knew of our problems within. My contacts at the Republic of Korea Mission/Consulate were extremely pleased with our level of protection and often bought our detail lunch or dinner when we were out. Once, the manager of the restaurant even paid for our meal!

In the end, our detail was one of the smoothest running details at UNGA. Many of us became friends and we all were united against the AIC. At the wheels up party (it’s called wheels up, because the protectee is no longer under our protection once “wheels up” for the airplane has been called), we even drank a toast to our AIC – to not having him there, that is!

For those of you in the NYC area, I highly suggest the wine bar/restaurant we went to that evening: Vin, at the corner of Northern Blvd and 163rd in Queens. The food is excellent and wine is superb! I’m not sure about the cost since our NYPD guy arranged the whole affair (the owner is a friend of his family) and the owner picked up our tab, but I am sure it is comparable to some of your moderately priced New York eateries.

After a while, we moved our party to downtown Manhattan and the Lit Lounge, where Vince and I were meeting up with friends for the evening. My detail guys came and they staid until the 6’6” ATF guy over-consumed and vomited on the floor. Which was alright with me because, as I’ve mentioned in other Blogs, there is only so much of my true personality that these cop boys can handle. And I was READY to PARTY! All our NYC crowd was there: Starr, Dara, Mark, Brandy, Michael, Katherine… let’s just say the party ended around noon on Sunday, when a fairly hungover Ryan was escorted home in a red Maxima chariot by her knight in shining armor, Vincent. Many thanks to all who were there…

During all this UNGA craziness, Vincent also decided to initiate me to this new thing called Friendster. If you haven’t tried it out yet, I think you should – especially now, while you still don’t have to pay for the service. It’s more addictive than crack and all you’re doing is trying to increase your number of friends. Looking at what I wrote, I wouldn’t be interested in the service either, but I think you should go ahead and at least check it out. You never know. When we were at the Lit Lounge last Saturday (the 27th), I added the bartender to my growing list of friends as I ordered another drink and he asked, “Are you on Friendster?” So I grabbed his email address and I am now connected to over 100,000 people! I think I will eventually grow tired of it, but for now you can find me there at least once every couple of days. (Go to www.friendster.com)

Well, now it’s back to that job thing. I was wondering if any of you guys knew people in any of the following fields: music, publishing, television, radio, movies – basically, a lot of the visual and audio arts. I think my next direction may be to try and find a job as an assistant of sorts (or work my way up to that). And if any of you know someone I should know, then I would love it if you could act as a conduit and pass my resume on up the line. Or, if you have any suggestions for jobs, I’m all ears (and no Andrew, I do NOT want to be a trash collector). Just let me know.

Other things I’ve done lately:
1. I went to a taping of the Late Night with Conan O’Brien show. I haven’t had a moment to watch the actual show yet, but it is highly probable that Vince and I were on t.v.
2. Vince and I went out to dinner and a broadway show on Friday: Tao and Nine. Tao is this Asian inspired restaurant that looks an awful lot like Buddhakhan in Philadelphia. The décor is fabulous, but the food is so-so – I will not be back for a return performance. And then Nine is this show with Antonio Banderas, Mary Stuart Masterson and Jane Krakowski (from Ally McBeal). I enjoyed it a lot – there were many great performances, and Antonio can really sing. Nine was a solid dramatic piece.
3. Last night (Saturday) Vince and I attended our friend Toni’s play in Greenwich, CT. She plays Julia in Agatha Christie’s “A Murder Is Announced.” She was fabulous and I would have told her so immediately had she not run off and disappeared so quickly! We finally caught her in the parking lot outside of her home, pizza and car keys in her hands. Then we invited ourselves in and spent some quality time with her, her hubby Mark, and Leo (their new kitty!). After all this time apart, it was nice to catch up.
4. I now suffer from a head cold. Pure misery.

Alright guys, I am winding down…The exhaustion that comes with being sick is catching up with me and I want to stop writing so I’ll just give you some teasers to look forward to in upcoming blogs:
• Philadelphia visit, October 11-13
• Poconos and hiking, October 17-19
• Da’ Momma and the Maize Maze in Massachusetts, October 25-27
• Punkin’ Chunkin’ (http://punkinchunkin.com), November 2
• New Orleans with Mom and Joe, November 12-15
• Eagles game, November 23
• Thanksgiving and mom visits NYC!, November 26-29
What fun!!!

Okay, I’m leaving you now. I’ll see you next time. Same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel…

Many of you have either a) expressed a desire to know why I am quitting my job in the near future, or b) told me that I shouldn’t quit after I worked so hard to get where I am. So here I am to explain to all the inquiring masses why it is that I no longer want to be called a special agent extraordinaire.

Let’s start with the basics. Do you understand what I do on a daily basis? If I am not assigned to a protective detail or away on a TDY (temporary duty), then I work on criminal investigations. Criminal investigations involve conducting records checks in various police databases and then going out “in the field” to conduct interviews with various people involved in the case. Most of the people I investigate are NOT terrorists, drug dealers, child smugglers, gun smugglers or serial killers. Rather, they are poor immigrants who can barely rub two pennies together and live in terrible neighborhoods.

In any case, I harass them, and then if I am “lucky” the AUSA (Assistant U.S. Attorney – at the state level, these same lawyers are called District Attorneys) decides to prosecute the case. Then I get the joy of picking up the subject of my investigation, slapping some handcuffs on them, and then sitting with them in lockup or court for an entire day, usually until some time after when I would like to be asleep.

After that, I get to write up a PILE of paperwork, which would keep the average person locked up in their office for about a week. As I am not an average person, I am locked up in my office for about two weeks.

That being said, I am not the kind of person who wants to carry a gun. I hate my gun. I don’t want to shoot it. I don’t want to carry it. And the belt! Do you understand that to keep the holster rigid so that you can pull out your gun effectively when you need it, the belt must be incredibly tight!?? Well, I confess that it hurts. A lot. For some reason, my left kidney gets really sore more often than not. And for a girl with only one left, that worries me.

Of course, there is always the shoulder holster. But in order to carry that on the job, you need to qualify with it. I am not even sure that the shoulder holster is the best way to carry a gun. Now, we all know how clutzy I am, so it really is sheer luck that I don’t shoot myself every morning I put my gun on! Nevermind actually holstering it under my arm, facing my back!!!! That’s practically asking for it…

In any case, so there’s the gun. And then there’s all the equipment. There is probably about twenty pounds of equipment strapped to my waist on any given day. To be honest, I can’t even put everything I am supposed to carry on my body because my waist is too small, but I digress…All that added weight certainly takes its toll on your lower back. With the amount of back problems that run in my family, I am not really looking to increase my odds of going down in a hail of agony because some disc in my back has ruptured.

Then there’s that whole “cop” issue. I don’t enjoy interviewing people for a living. Not this way, anyway. The whole process seems very dishonest. What we do, mind you, is all legal – that being said, I really feel like I am cheating these people out of some basic human dignity by twisting my words to “my” own advantage. In my heart I don’t even want to arrest these people. I can’t fault them for wanting to travel home to see their families. Granted, they are breaking a federal law when they apply under someone else’s identity, or whatever, and if you don’t punish people in some way, they are liable to commit the offense again…but I just have no desire to scream at someone, handcuff them, or sit with them in court for fourteen hours. It’s just not my bag, baby…

Then there is the PRS (protective details). Do you understand what we do when we protect someone? Most of my experience has been standing outside of hotel rooms for hours at a time, staring at a doorknob and wishing that housekeeping would show up, just so you have some diversion. Honestly, it’s not that exciting. Yes, I do have a gun on me, I have used night-vision goggles, I do know how to shoot a submachine gun (along with an uzi, M-4, shotgun, etc.), I do see Colin Powell on occasion along with other varying degrees of famous people…but the hours of my day are spent either on my ass, or standing uncomfortably, both without ever challenging my brain.

The only difficulties in my job are 1) overcoming the agency-wide discrimination against and extreme dislike of female agents, 2) figuring out where to go to get a question answered, 3) working weekends and missing out on time spent with family and friends, including weddings, graduations, holidays, and birthdays, and 4) not giving myself a nine-millimeter headache some days.

What really drew me to this job was the promise of overseas travel, and that, my friends, is an incredible benefit. I love that we go everywhere, do everything, and get to stay in five-star hotels. Honestly. And the only thing that keeps me going is the promise of this aforementioned travel. But then I get to thinking about it, and I remember that I will still be doing the same shit, only in a new and exciting location. I still don’t get time off, and I’m still expected to be some glorified security expert/cop. Not exactly beneficial when I start thinking of it that way…

What you guys don’t see about my job is how my personality changes when I go into work. I can’t be myself, and women have so much more to prove in order to be taken seriously. No one wants to invite you out after work, and I can’t really accept the invitation if I was since there is this whole crazy concept of the “corridor reputation.” The only information that gets passed around the office is rumors and lies. That sounds pessimistic, but it’s true. If you want to know where to get your access to your computer reestablished after you’ve been away for too long, no one has the answer, but if you want to know who sucks at life and is sleeping around on their wife, everyone has a ready response. It’s simply amazing. And that’s the kind of thing that, as a woman, I have to avoid. I cannot put myself in a situation that could compromise my reputation. Hence, my not being able to fraternize (c’mon guys, you all know how I get when they let me out in public).

So it’s a pretty lonely, depressing, and anesthetizing experience. I feel like I have to silence my mind and quiet my personality in order to survive each day. I can barely get out of bed and I am only thinking of the time I finally get to be home at the end. And then I get home and I am mean to Vince because I have no one else to take it out on. My Vincent is really a saint for putting up with me all this time, during this failed experiment. I always wanted to be that woman who defies all odds and excels beyond everyone’s expectations, but in this job I can’t breathe. It is pretty much a given that if I could stand working there day to day, I would be promoted and move up to some supervisory position within the next four to five years, but my heart isn’t in it. I need to go. I miss having fun in my life. I miss loving my Vincent as kindly as he loves me. And I miss seeing my friends and family on weekends without feeling guilty for taking off the time (yes, in my office, if you don’t want to be called for duty, you have to “block” the weekend).

Some people have told me that I need to pay my dues and I am totally for that – just not as a federal agent. I would much rather be happy.

So, my dearest friends and da’ momma, I really appreciate your kind words, your concern, your advice, and your desire to talk to me about my decision, but there really isn’t much more to add to my diatribe. I do not like my life the way it is, so I choose to change it. What’s funny is that tonight I just read my friend Ben’s final article in the Graduation issue of the Daily Pennsylvanian, our college’s newspaper, and in it he talks about getting into life over your head and putting yourself into situations that might be a little scary. Well, that resonated with me because I feel like I am doing just that. All my life I’ve lived with a plan. And now I don’t have one. It’s the scariest thing that I’m about to do, but it’s exhilarating at the same time – kind of like jumping out a perfectly good airplane with only a parachute and a belief in your own immortality to get you safely to the ground. With Vince, my friends, and my family as my parachute, and a healthy belief that I will live forever (or at least through this), I will soon be stepping out into the frightening world of unemployment. Let’s hope for a soft landing…

Home, where my thought's escaping
Home, where my music's playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me…

And so I am here again in lovely New York City, tired as you would imagine after nearly 40 straight days of work with only one day of rest (i.e. no weekends off). But today finds me nearly three days out of work, now having spent a weekend at the Shore with some of my closest friends for a little thing Vince and I like to call our “Mourning the Loss of Summer” Party. I’m sorry you missed it…unless of course you were there. Which, if that’s the case, you’ve probably been kissed by me more than any sensible person would want, and then some. How good it is to be home!!!!

In any case, my thoughts from my last blog have not changed in the slightest. I am on the verge of quitting my fabulous job in the hopes of finding something more fulfilling. As I was discussing with my new good friend Michael this past weekend, I am looking forward to a job that will make me MORE me. He has a lot of good things to say, that Michael does, and one of them had much to do with the act of creation that so many people do each day, making something out of nothing for the rest of us to enjoy. Well, I want to join the ranks and do something that matters, raise something up out of the dust and air, and make it beautiful – starting perhaps with my inner self (which has been struggling with this new career and trying to avoid the crush of normality and closemindedness that seeks to overwhelm my better senses).

So let me now give a shout out to my party attendees, whether they want to hear me or not: Kathryn: stop apologizing, or make up for it by becoming our new house girl! ; Michael: I know I made a good friend when I met you, and thank you for the conversation – it was the first spark of intelligence I’ve seen in more than a month of work!; Starr: as always, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey….; Corinne: you’ve made my Vincent the happiest man on the face of the planet, and if you can believe it, I’m even happier than he is knowing that you were able to attend and we were able to get you drunk!; Jimmy: my gay boyfriend, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…; Tyler: thank you a million times over for teaching Vincent that alcohol, sparklers and a box of firecrackers should never mix!; and Saleah: great shots of your butt cleavage to be coming soon to an e-mail near you! The rest of the party attendees just haven’t handed me their email addresses so I’m afraid they will not be mentioned in my blog, unless they send me their first born and a favorite limb… Actually, after all my professions of not wanting children, why again am I asking for your first born? Just a simple limb and an email address will do.

And back to whatever point it is that I am always trying to make on this thing (i.e. my blog). Did I tell you that Vincent started a blog in secret? Well, he did and you may now find him on http://neodem.blogspot.com. Just you and he, real personal and up close…

Well, truth be told, I am still exhausted and now I have to go clean the little “surprise” Chi-Chi left for me on our bedcovers. Then I can finally lay me down for that long-deserved, much-needed nap I’ve been meaning to get. I need to be well-rested for my requalification test tomorrow (i.e. with my handgun – what fun!).

Wish me sweet dreams and maybe I’ll consider putting one of you lucky readers in them! Miss you, love you, running away now, bye…

[first written on: 08/22/03 07:00:00 PM | Ryan Janda]
I’ve let time slip by yet again, but this time I have a valid excuse. I haven’t been at home in New York since the end of July. In fact, I write this with still more than a week to go in the month of August, but you won’t even see it on my Blog until September, I would think.

In any case, where in the world is Ryan? Well, at the moment of writing, I am in Wainscott, New York, which is a small section of the Hamptons. I am listening to Beth Orton and trying to rid myself of this damn pesky headache that attacked me as soon as I got out of work this afternoon.

Needless to say, I am on a temporary duty with the Secretary’s Detail. As in Colin Powell. Nothing new and exciting here, just a simple vacation. For him, anyway.

There have been a few star spottings along the way, of course. We saw Alec Baldwin pulled over by the local police, and then again on other random times. Then we saw Tommy Lee, and one of the guys saw the actress Julie something-or-other from Ed and nearly lost control of his bowels. At the club next door to our hotel last Saturday night, the guys saw Carson Daly and P. Ditty (is that really a name? I even feel stupid putting it to paper…). Oh yeah, and I’ve seen Colin Powell.

For the most part, the work here has been relatively boring. I think, however, it is propelling me toward a new conclusion: it’s about time for me to quit. The more I work, the more I realize that I don’t like this job for several reasons. The only real perk for me is the overseas travel, and all the benefits associated with that (i.e. the free plane tickets, the free housing, the percentage pay increase, etc.). Everything else about the job just isn’t me. The time away from family, friends, and my Vincent; the criminal work; the protective details where I just stare at doorknobs; even carrying a gun – these are the things that I don’t like about my job. On top of that, I have to constantly deal with the sexism inherent in law enforcement and it just brings me down to a whole new level. There is nothing I say that anyone gives credence to, and my intelligence is being ignored. It’s shocking to me that this kind of work environment still exists.

On top of that, most of the people I work with (especially here on the Secretary’s Detail) are incredibly lazy. It is terrible to see a complete dolt be praised or promoted ahead of someone who is truly deserving. Some of these agents in supervisory positions really need to get their heads out of their collective tushies and take a look around. This agency is flagging, and it’s poorly run. Good riddance, I say.

Of course, I know that I will find more of the same in other jobs I may run to, but it all comes back to my original point which is: this job isn’t me. My parents always told me that it is better to find a job that makes you happy than to find a job that pays well. So I think it’s time for me to begin searching – again. I learned quite a bit from my mistakes and small successes over the past year in this endeavor and I know I can lend my experience to something greater. Maybe try number two will be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.

Here’s to returning to New York and my Vincent in September…