Crunching some stats

Yeah, so I went to UDC today to register for summer statistics with Anthony's credit card and Anthony in tow. The good news is that...oh wait, there is no good news. I need to pass a pre-qualifying exam in August for one of my core classes and it is entirely on statistics. I have never taken a statistics class. UDC had an evening class scheduled this summer for Elementary Statistics. Of course, I arrive and then *poof!* the class disappears.

Now I'm reduced to learning statistics on my own, and begging Kevin and Hottie to provide me with their old textbooks. Grrr, I hate learning the old-fashioned way (really, who wants to be motivated? I want SPOONFEEDING, I tell you. SPOON. FEEDING.). Sigh.

Well, wish me luck.

In other news, Andrew was here this weekend with the whole fan-damily, looking for an apartment. What's that, you say? Ah, yes, my Masshole is moving to town. He too, like me, is crazy enough to return to school. Even crazier though, he decided to attend Georgetown. HA! is all I have to say to that. But my nights and weekends will all of a sudden be full of a shiny, white Irish kid. Yay!

Dave is also in town right now, under the auspices of attending Eric's DC Improv graduation. We all know it was really for the Yankees/Nationals game (the Yanks got spanked!), but that shouldn't put a dimmer on Eric's spirits. Half of the crowd will be personally provided by his own group of friends, lovers, and Ben's mom. All we really need is some body paint and a couple of pom-poms and we're set to go.

Another item of good news is that I returned to the gym this morning. I'm not exactly ignoring my doctor's orders because I'm using the stair climber and the stationary bike (look Mom, no injuries!) so there won't be all that impact on my legs and back. I even did some stretching and crunches. It's just nice to get back into a little bit of an exercise routine after sitting on my tush for the past two weeks. I am horrible at sitting back and relaxing so these past two weeks have been entirely painful for me, in more ways than one.

My leg only feels slightly worse than it did this morning, so I don't think I traumatized myself too much. I think I will take on some light weight-lifting tomorrow! The ecstasy I feel can only be compared to that of Homer when Duff beer is available.

How a herniated disc turned into a royal pain in my ass

I have entertained my coworkers now for two weeks with my stand-up work station and hopping from foot to foot - the latter of which has earned me the nickname "Skippy." I guess it comes with the territory.

Most of the people I work with, however, still have no idea I herniated a disc in my back. So I'm beginning to feel like an automated explanation machine for orthopedists everywhere. Every day I have to explain to someone else what exactly I did to myself to deserve such an injury. Even my boss has a most amusing speculation that somehow involves Anthony...

To the great dissatisfaction of all, I have no answer for why my disc decided to herniate. I have been feeling some minor back pain for about six months now, but it was mild and usually arrived around the same time as my period. So I thought nothing of it; after all, we women like to bitch and moan at that time of the month and everything hurts.

Then about two weeks ago, it really started to pang. I was stiff every morning but I still went to the gym. The biggest issue was trying to stretch because my back wouldn't really allow me to bend over too far. I assumed (incorrectly, so it seems) that all the running I've been doing was just making my muscles too tight and unused to flexing.

That weekend I thought I'd try a new tactic: yoga. Anthony left to visit his family in North Carolina at the asscrack of Sunday, and later that morning I signed up at the studio 1/2 a block from our apartment. I told the instructor I was experiencing some major back pains and then we started class. The woman kept telling us to "hinge forward" like some sort of masochist - that basically means we were supposed to touch our toes. Let's just say that I pretended I could bend like Gumby.

The result was that I could barely move when I got home. I staid in bed for the rest of the day, and all of Monday too. I only got up to call the doctor's office to make an appointment (speaking of which, don't ever try to walk-in to a doctor's office in DC; they don't allow for that - apparently that is what the ER is for). I was done. As in, stick a fork in me cuz I'm DONE.

And that, basically, is that. You can herniate a disc just by making the mistake of waking up in the morning. Isn't that just lovely?

Now my back is feeling alright, but it's the sciatica I'm suffering from. I am one of the lucky few who actually has pain running from my right butt-cheek down to my metatarsals (like that?). The front half of my right foot is pretty numb most of the time, but the rest of my leg feels like I just received a fresh round of charley-horses. And occasionally when I walk, something pinches a nerve and I jump like I've just been goosed. It's hilarious, I tell you, just hilarious.

The hardest position for me to keep for long periods of time is the seated position. So my doctor advised me to set up a standing work station. Now I stand at work for 8 hours a day, with frequent breaks to rest my feet. It doesn't sound like too much, but it really is exhausting. Usually I get home and lay in bed for the rest of the evening. I am so LAME (for real this time, Eric).

My doctor also advised me not to run for at least two months; and not to lift weights for even longer. This is getting rather ridiculous - I was in pretty good shape before all this. And the funny thing is that I was already doing all the exercises my doctor advised me to do to keep my back healthy (strengthening the glutes, back, and abdominals). Sometimes I just have all the luck, eh?

In case you are curious, no, the doctor did not prescribe me any medication for this. Only about 4% of the population who herniate a disc end up needing surgery. The rest of us just mend on our own. I was hoping to at the very least be prescribed some physical or massage therapy, but I'm out of luck with that too (and Martha lives in Alabama - what's a girl to do?).

And that, my friends, is the story of my back. You may commence ooohing and aaahing now.

Herniated, schmerniated

I've been on a little bit of a hiatus lately because I've herniated a disc in my back, but please don't worry. I will return to the world of blogging when I have more time on my feet.

As for the back, I'm doing really well, considering. Right now it probably sounds worse than it really is. Last week I was in agony, this week I'm a lot more positive. The doctor tells me that I can't run for at least two months and that is my biggest complaint (oh, that and the shooting pains in my asscheeks/back/leg).

All that being said, please feel free to send flowers, homemade dinners, and all other sundries you feel will cheer me up. I especially like cards with money in them.

Love n' cuddles,
Ryan

Dear President Bush

President Bush:

You say, "our policies should aim to strengthen families, not undermine them. And changing the definition of marriage would undermine the family structure."

All I have to say in response is this:
According to Merriam Webster's, the foremost and most-widely recongized dictionary publishers...
"Main Entry: mar·riage
Pronunciation: 'mer-ij, 'ma-rij
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English mariage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry

(1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage "

Please note definition number 2 my dear sir, and realize that amending the constitution would cause the change in the definition of marriage, not the other way around.

Love and cuddles,
Ryan

Need I keep repeating myself?

President Bush insists on promoting a Constitutional amendment that bans gay marriage. Apparently his proposal will go before Congress on Monday. And while there is no real support in the House or Senate for such a measure, I find it insulting that such a proposal exists in the first place.

There is no morality or Christianity in pursuing this. If you disagree with gay unions because of your religion, please realize that not everyone subscribes to your faith and if your god is the true god, then god will punish all sinners in the end (no assistance from you is required). Feel free to feel morally superior for the rest of your days. If you disagree with gay unions because you are uncomfortable with the idea, or you feel that homosexuals are "unnatural," then that is a personal problem that you need to deal with on your own. There are many things that other people do with which I disagree, but I am not pushing laws to ban these things. Picking your nose, proselytizing, and women with underarm hair are all still legal, folks. And you know what? That's fine with me. The existence of these things does not adversely affect my life, no one is infringing upon my rights, and frankly, I don't particularly give a damn.

So let's get off our high horse, people. Step off your soapbox for a second and realize that differences are what make this country great. America is the best place to live because we accept all kinds, we promote freedom of speech, and we don't put limitations on love. President Bush is free to think ill of all the homosexuals out there, but it is utterly wrong for him to amend the Constitution because gay marriage makes him uncomfortable.

I feel all this has been said (and better)... Straight couples are getting divorced at breakneck speeds these days, and gay people are fighting for the right to one day get divorced too. Is it not fair to acknowledge their right to be just as happy and/or miserable as the rest of us? When you say no, then the issue here is prejudice, plain and simple. "We don't like them, so we won't let them play in all our reindeer games." Ugh, it makes me sick. WHO THE HELL VOTED THESE PEOPLE INTO OFFICE?

And anyway. There are much more important issues in the world today - the Sudan anyone? And does anyone really understand the anti-American revolution that seems to be occuring in South America? Or maybe we could just focus our attention on the lagging U.S. education system so one day our children will be able to point to a map and say, "Mommy, here is Iraq" (and actually be correct, mind you).

And while I am still on my soapbox, I would recommend a movie. Last week I saw Gentlemen's Agreement for the first time (with Gregory Peck) and it very much relates to what is going on today with our homosexual population. I very freely admit that I am one of the silent but well-intentioned masses on too many occassions, and this movie will open your eyes to this fault many of us have. Gentlemen's Agreement was made in 1947, and is more centered on the prejudice surrounding Jews, but it is easily adaptable to whatever minority is downtrodden today. I make the argument for gays, you may make the argument still for the Jews. Your choice. But in any case, you should take the time to watch and learn. Be honest with yourself afterwards and try to make positive changes. You owe it to yourself.

Give a veteran a hug two days ago!

I spent the weekend in Massachusetts with my family (and my Masshole...and my Christy, with my fairy godchild Sarol), and was therefore blessedly without reliable access to a computer for several days. I did not think about you, about blogging, or really much of anything except trailing behind the dogs to Oxi-clean the heck out of the carpets they kept piddling on.

It was a given, but yes, my mother's dogs hate all of dog-kind and kept picking fights with Grace. It was a proud yet humbling moment for Anthony and I when Grace was finally prodded into defending herself. She has one hell of a growl, I'll tell you.

At the same time, we really didn't want her to kill little Napoleanic Tessa. What a stupid little dog! But she is not particularly socialized and we didn't help matters by buying a big old bone for just Grace to tease tubby-Tessa with. (Oh yes, the masochistic gene is in the whole line of women in my family!)

We also learned that Grace should never be off a leash. Number one because she ran over and jumped on some little old man who lives three houses down from my mother. Number two because she "discovered" a 4-6' black snake at the top of the hill and decided that pursuit was the best option. Note to all doggies: pursuing an angry snake is only a good idea if your idea of a good time is giving your mommy a heart attack. And then quickly following that up by a mad dash to the veterinary ER for snake bite treatment.

On Sunday, Anthony and I tag-teamed Andrew in mini golf and I still lost. What a surprise. But there was much celebratory Dairy Queen to share (Andrew's food intake for the day: my mother's home-made pizelles, a large Reese Peanutbutter Cup Blizzard, and the chicken finger platter at Strand Theatre. Mmm-mmm, good). Then there was farting around and Ice Age 2 at the local theatre.

There was also much shopping (shoes, clothes, clippers, scrapbooking supplies, Napolean Dynamite memorabilia...), catching up, Corona, and there were even multiple sightings of my brother. He does indeed exist.

Oooh, I'm experiencing a temporary brain failure. Must go recharge...

UPenis Saturday and Sunday

Ryan & Mel
Originally uploaded by Pookah.

This post just never ends, does it? Much like everything else in my life these days, I am falling behind in reporting to you. My college reuion lasted forever, it seems.

In laymen's terms that means that it went on for four days, and still nothing of note was accomplished.

Therefore, I am going to give you the abridged version of all that came to pass on May 13th & 14th.

Most importantly? The meals. Michelle and I had Koch's for lunch on Saturday. Koch's is under new management, but the staff is still friendly and they even offer outdoor seating these days. If you ever get the chance, go for it! They will deliver the food to your table, and split it between two plates - or cups! - if you are sharing with someone else (god knows I can't finish a whole sandwich by myself!). The staff also still hands out free deli samples while you wait in line, and the line, no matter how many people are in it, still takes about an hour to navigate. Ahhhh, comfort food.

Then there were the oatmeal cookies under the Class of 2001 tent. It poured for about an hour and we took refuge while pretending to look for people we cared about who attended Penn. There was a small sort of UTV-13 reunion, with additions from Connecticutt and New Jersey (Steve and Kara - you rock!).

Then there was the vagina dinner, as Jeff likes to call it. Michelle faked a penis for the evening and uninvited herself, but the rest of the lovely Melslist ladies were present. Mr. Martino's Trattoria was the place to be at 8PM, and even Hadar had a brilliant time. Most importantly, I had a chance to catch up with Yael, Mel, Martha, and Estee (while Nicole, Melanie and Lisa took glamour shots of themselves and giggled into their wine).

We tried out Penske's open-bar theory, but Mel and I were totally pissed by the time we had to suck up to Jay to get inside (something about a limit imposed by the fire department). Hey man, I had to HUG Jay Penske (wait, can you believe he's actually listed on Wikipedia?)! I probably got some cooties from Lara Flynn Boyle or something. God, I am such a bad networker (you would never catch Andrew badmouthing someone who had opened up the bar for a night and gave him free drinks).

Needless to say, I was in line for far too long, and these bitches tried to cut me. I tried to start a fight, and Mel tried to finish it. But before long, here comes Andrew with wristbands for all, and total death and distruction was averted.

I got one drink from the pissy bartender while some guy grabbed my ass, and then I was DONE. The Class of 2001 events finally sealed the fate of Penn for me - I will not be back for future alumni events. Other than Melslist (and a few sorted others), UPenn's Class of 2001 is a bunch of shitheads. There, I've said it.

Sunday morning found us at the mecca of all brunch palaces, Sabrina's Cafe. There was much baby-passing to be had, including a new sideways-holding move by Ben, and altogether too many pictures. Nishchay threatened to steal some tattoed guy's meal and then ask for an order of coffee, but we were seated relatively quickly and with little complaint.

All too soon my stuffed pancakes were consumed and I begged a ride of Nishchay to 30th Street Station. When I returned to DC, somehow it seemed that there simply wasn't enough time with my friends. And how on earth had I become so tired?! I am nothing but an old fart, and I miss Melslist already...