Too excited about my trip to be productive

Stolen from one Ms. Erin Kelly Murphy...

1. Name: Ryan, but I'll answer to just about everything.
2. Age/Birthday: You needn't know my birthday - I'll accept gifts at any time.
3. Single or Taken: Totally taken. I mean, my god, we have a dog.
4. Favorite Movie: I'm with Rob here - there are movies I love enough to watch over and over and over and over... Dead Poets Society, Office Space, Clerks, Full Metal Jacket, Pride and Prejudice, Gattaca, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Muppet Christmas Carol...
5. Favorite Song: My goodness, only one? Not humanly possible.
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist: I absolutely love painful, tragic, passionate lyrics in the singer-songwriter tradition, so I listen a lot to people like Norah Jones, Damien Rice, Beth Hart Band, Live, Johnny Cash, Billie Holiday, Beth Orton, Frank Sinatra, Bonnie Prince Billy, Jude, Cat Stevens, Martin Sexton, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I also really like heavier rock, such as Korn or Godsmack. And to keep yapping on about nothing, I also like happier tunes, such as those created by Social Distortion, Bouncing Souls, Buena Vista Social Club, Bob Marley, The Refreshments, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly... And really, I will stop there before I really start boring you to tears...
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book: Probably To Kill a Mockingbird. But I read so many damn books, it's sincerely hard to remember them all.
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: 0. No seriously, 0. No pierced ears, no tats, nada.
9. Favorite TV Show: America's Next Top Model (how many different times can I say, "I love those skinny bitches?"), Rockstar, The Simpsons, World BBC News. Except for that last bit, I watch tv for the pure vegetation of it.
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game: Scrabble. But nobody will play with me. :(
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal? Woman, has it really been 9 years? Good god.
12. Would you give me a kidney? You know I love you, but no. (I had one surgically removed in 2001 so I can't really survive without the second.)
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: Not really odd or interesting, but it seems to fascinate the coworkers... I know how to operate an Uzi.
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you? If I could change it, don't you think I would?
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? This doesn't even make any sense. You already did fill this out...

Why Grace will soon hate me

I have been working my butt off and not getting any sleep for the last week or so now, all in preparation to go on vacation next week. Grace and Pookie will be left in the capable hands of my dear friends Morgan and Nathalie (who now are officially warned that I will not hesitate to seek revenge a thousand-fold if anything happens to my babies) for the duration.

I already know that Pookie will be fine, so long as he gets his two squares a day, with minimal fuss from the human (a.k.a. servant) dishing it out. It is our dear little Grace that worries me.

The last time we left her alone, other than for the usual work day, her ears whipped back, her eyes grew to the size of softballs, and these all-over body trembles commenced. It was, by far, the saddest display I have ever witnessed. My dog is seriously pathetic.

And the entire time we were out, Anthony kept saying, "We need to get back to our little girl. I feel SO bad."

What are we going to do now that we will be away for 10 whole days? Anthony will go into spasms from all the guilt. And I will constantly be worrying - is she getting fed? Is she being crated too much? Was there some emergency nobody told me about? Did the landlord lock Morgan and/or Nathalie out?

By the time we get back, Grace will probably hate us. These are the thoughts that go through our heads as we prepare for vacation. If only it were easier to travel with ALL of our loved ones. Someone should sincerely look into opening an airline that caters to animal lovers, where owners and their pets can travel together in the seated area of the plane.

But anyway, Grace will be livid, and The Kid (Pookie) will continue in his apathy. In the meantime, Anthony and I will be delighting in the wonders of N. Ireland and the Czech Republic. More importantly, however, we will be there with Da' Momma to celebrate Darwin's wedding! It is almost more excitement than I can stand.

S is for "slacking," it's good enough for me

I spent the weekend in Huntsville. And by that I mean that I spent half of it in Tennessee and half of it in Alabama.

Martha, Mel, Michelle and I were attempting a college roommate reunion, inspired by our five-year college reunion this past May. We managed a 75% turnout, despite the massive thunderstorms in the northeast that were causing some majorly icky airline delays. Michelle just wussed out and wouldn't pay the million dollars for a flight from the west coast.

In any case, my weekend was full of food and conversation - the perfect kind of vacation for me! The only thing it was missing was sleep. But we were really able to reconnect and remind ourselves why we're friends in the first place. It was absolutely fabulous.

And now that I'm back, I'm still trying to pretend I have enough energy to get through the week. I've been training myself on some new metrics software program at work all day, but I don't think it's sinking in all too well. Try, try again...

In the meantime, I pulled this off of Erin's website, which I believe I already did another version of, but that may have only been on my MySpace account (before I deleted it):

A is for - Age: 26. 27 in November.
B is for - Bust Size: Small.
C is for - Career in future: International Humanitarian Aid Worker / Foreign Service Officer
D is for - Dad's name: David
E is for - Essential item to bring to a party: A camera, for bribe-worthy photos!
F is for - Favorite song at the moment: The A-Team theme song
G is for - Guys you've kissed: Um, I went to college and Mardi Gras - there is no way I remember all that information!
H is for - Hometown: Clinton, MA.
I is for - Instruments you play: Not a gosh-darn one.
J is for - Job title: Process Analyst. Sounds spiffy, don't it?
K is for - Kids: Eh.
L is for - Living arrangement: I get the last two inches of the bed, Grace gets the rest. Oh, and occasionally Anthony stops by.
M is for - Mom's name: MaryLee. (If she sees this, she will kill me.)
N is for - Number of people you've slept with: Why is this important to post on the internet again?
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: Only one - after having a kidney removed. And the nurses were EVIL.
P is for - Phobia[s]: None.
Q is for - Quote: "Damn the man! Save the Empire!" Marc, from Empire Records.
R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: Vince, 3 1/2 years (I think).
S is for - Sexual position: Uhhhh...
T is for - Time you wake up: 5:30AM. The cat won't allow me to sleep in.
U is for - Unique trait: I sing and dance when eating something particularly tasty - and I don't even notice I'm doing it. It's a trait that runs in the family.
V is for - Vegetable you love: Spinach.
W is for - Worst habit: Talking over people.
X is for - X-rays you've had: Mouth, chest, intestinal/kidney area...I'm an X-ray MACHINE.
Y is for - Yummy food you make: Meatloaf, lamb chops, steak... you name it, I can probably find a recipe for it.
Z is for - Zodiac sign: Scorpio.

Like the ultimate slacker Kevin Smith will never be

I could write more often. I could babble about how the world has gone mad - or at least the Middle East - or how I spend every day after work just walking my dog and doing laundry. But, what it really comes down to is the fact that I'm lazy. I am not as motivated as some of these over-achievers (who I firmly believe are all on crack or speed or whatever their salary affords them) so I don't get everything into each 24-hour day. These days, I like to sit on my tush, curl up with my puppy, and just veg the heck out.

So I haven't really done anything since watching The Delta Force. I've gone to work every Monday through Friday. I've walked the dog about 50 times. I even spent a few hours with Eric watching Super Troopers. (Please, don't follow my lead on this one.) But there is no earth-shattering news on the home front.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers

(source of quote: Bill Cosby)

Laughter is all that got me through this weekend's screening of The Delta Force, with Chuck Norris. That and a bottle of wine.

Seriously though, folks, don't rent this one, unless you're running your own version of Mystery Science Theatre. Eric was kind enough to bring the one-liners, which he probably got from the Top Ten Facts about Chuck Norris:

1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
5. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
6. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
7. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
8. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
9. Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
10. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

These are the facts that you need to know before watching such classics as The Delta Force, which somehow Anthony was astounded to find that none of us had seen (other than him, of course).

I sincerely CAN'T WAIT for Bad Movie Night: The Return.

And yes, that is typed with sarcasm. Full, unbridled sarcasm.

My two cents on the immigration debate

I hate to say it, but President Bush just may be right about this one. As far as my understanding goes (which is, as a rule, fairly limited), his proposals for immigration reform appear to be the most progressive we've seen for a very long time.

Once again, I was reading the latest article by Orson Scott Card to be published on The Ornery American, and I am convinced.

The only exception that I will make is this: having once worked as an officer of the law, it was once my DUTY to arrest people who broke the law. As long as the immigration laws that are currently on the books are in effect, it is our duty as law-abiding Americans to adhere to it.

That being said, there ARE many different motivations for breaking the law and there should be a penal system that recognizes that an illegal immigrant who has done nothing more than work three jobs to support his/her family here should be treated much differently from an illegal immigrant who deals drugs or commits acts of violence against others.

I strongly suggest that you go and read Card's article. Part of my dislike for my former job is related to what he has to say, only he says it much more eloquently than I ever could (after all, he is a WRITER; I am just an IT professional - for now, anyway).

In my old job, our work was divided into two broad categories: dignitary protection and criminal investigations. Our criminal work was directly related to U.S. visa and passport law. I worked in the five boroughs of New York City and northern New Jersey to investigate violations of our passport laws, and I can easily say that 99.9% of my cases were simply instances of illegal immigrants attempting to get a U.S. passport for work purposes.

Most of my cases involved Dominicans posing as Puerto Ricans on their passport applications, which is clearly outlined as a federal offense on the application itself. While the infraction is considered a misdemeanor, with a prison sentence maximum of 2-3 years, the process of arresting an illegal alien for this offense automatically forwards their case on to ICE, which then turns around and investigates their status. If they are found to be here illegally, they will be deported.

While the process for deportation is long, I have seen cases of families being torn apart in the end - one example is that the parents, who are illegally in the U.S., are sent back to their home country, and their children, born in the U.S. and therefore American citizens, are being placed under the care of social services.

There are some agents who are really militant about prosecuting these people and seem to take sadistic pleasure in the violent upheaval of these people's lives; and there are others, like me, who see the injustice of it all, take away all the illegal documentation, warn them about repeat offending, and advise the U.S. Attorney's office not to pursue the arrest. However, most of my former colleagues didn't seem to have an opinion on the matter - it was simply their job and that was that.

Personally, I couldn't stomach the day-to-day realities of what we were asked to do for this country. I am a fairly rigid person - I believe stoutly in structure, planning, organization... Law didn't seem like such a stretch. Until you see how these people live and who they are.

The neighborhoods in which these people live are appalling. Sometimes it looks like the trash trucks haven't been through in years. The buildings are decaying, there are empty or burnt out lots surrounding homes that families actually live in. And then there's the criminal element that takes over. Gang members walk the streets brazenly. The corner market hides its employees behind several inches of bulletproof glass.

The interiors don't always get much better. Cockroaches. Filth. These people don't always have the time or money to invest in themselves, let alone their habitation. Too much of their time is spent in keeping food on the table. They live what outwardly appears to be unhappy, unfulfilling lives.

But their hope is toward the future. They work hard in the expectation that their children won't have to suffer so much and receive so little. The importance they place on family is a lesson many of us would do better to adopt.

The important thing here, however, is that they WORK HARD. For the most part, these individuals are no stranger to hard work. A few of the people I investigated were even reporting to the IRS every year. All these people want, and have ever wanted, is to be able to work and provide for their families, maybe even raise their children in better circumstances and with more opportunities than they had.

In the end, I didn't want to enforce America's laws (not on these matters, anyway). The extent to which we as Americans can legally harass these people, who are otherwise upstanding citizens, is criminal. Working to arrest and deport illegal immigrants is contrary to my nature and I couldn't go home every night, safe in the conviction that what I was doing was right. We were punishing the wrong people, who I believe were acting out of desperation to keep their jobs and provide for their families.

And now we as a people are propogating the wrongs already in place. By failing to act on immigration reform, we are giving in to our basest nature - that tendency in ourselves to make snap decisions about a person because they are different (black, Jew, gay, Mexican, wearing a turban...) and then persecuting them for that difference.

President Bush's plan may not answer all the evils, but it is a great big leap forward. We owe it to our beliefs as Americans to make the changes necessary to decriminalize our immigrants.

Send me your worst

After many a beer and quite the bubbly buzz, Anthony decided to schedule the Worst Movies Ever Made viewings. Eric promised to save me from the hell that is watching all these movies by myself with him, and we are certainly interested in increasing that number. If you are interested in joining, please let me know; otherwise you will probably receive an evite cry for help.

Apparently the criteria for included movies is that the movie be "so bad that it is good." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it appears that all truly terrible attempts at a movie romance are out. Some of the required viewings include: Delta Force, Flash Gordon, and Clash of the Titans. Clearly, the classics.

If you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them. If only to give myself the "pleasure" of knowing what my movie-watching fate is.

In other news, Eric is also promising me a Quizzo league. If you live in the DC area and are interested in teaming up to make fun of my general lack of trivia knowledge, again let me know. We will be coming to a pub near you.